The Jesus and Mary Chain

The Jesus and Marychain.



INTRO.

"...and i just started reading this book, it's written by a neurologist and it's case studies of patients with mental illness. It got me thinking that i'm just like his cases (to some degree), and i feel like i could go a little way into describing my personnal defect, in the hope that you will see where i came from.



Part One.



One: I Guess That's Why I've Always Got The Blues.


Man! there's so many choices, places to start, where to begin, what to do next... in fact in a space of about five seconds one could have made as many choices, luckily these come naturally. To the average human making a choice comes as naturally as seeing, or believing, we've all made many of them and they don't require any effort. But there are times when a choice will make a difference, it may not phase you, the choice may come naturally, but it's effects are life changing. And i'm not talking about love, or money, i'm talking about secrets, those white lies are what makes life that little bit more interesting; and without malice, you just chose to create a fiction where there was once fact. We're all guilty, and i must confess, however, how does that change one's life? Well my friends, you can't take it back, once we all believe it.
So is it that we are floating in a sea of lies, people holding back the truth so that we can be friends? Or is it more a case of survival, some truths can be seen as a handicap, others go against the commom good. Choices are generally made for the good of the community, and common sense dictates when that cannot be applied, but in cases where people make choices directly towards oneselves, ie. not pertaining to the community, who decides? The obvious answer is ourselves, but could you imagine making personal choices according to what you think would be right for the community. I call it 'pronoia', it's the belief that the community makes choices for your good, and that you return the gesture, in kind. Most of us apply this theory to a certain degree, it's the feel good factor which this way of thinking produces, as opposed to the sobering act of beening selfish. But in reality, most of us are selfish, our ego's want what's best for us, not the community; we don't really care so much if we can get an advantage in life, so survival is dictating our choice. What if our every choice was made to this perscription, what kind of life would we lead, what would be the outcome? I'd admit this is in no way a natural environment, it's a situation where reason over-rides instinct, maybe a little more thought goes into the choice since it is not 'us' making the choice. This notion of synchronicity between ourselves and the people around us grounds us to the fact that maybe we would have to concede in order to lead; it's their right of way, and you'll just have to play the supporting role.



TWO: Just Like Honey.


Out of sight, this place, this place is out of sight, how grateful i feel to be in this place called home. All my needs are catered for here. It's got a little bit of everything, and everythings got a little bit of me. And it's not just because i was born here, i mean who cares where you were born these days, it's a global village, where you were born is on a par with where you went to school. It's only when you were born in Hong Kong do you really care about where you were born. It's an amazing place, generations of collonial rule has turned it into the future; it's the restaurant at the end of the universe and and its centre, it has a population of six million and it's the size of a postage stamp. You could imagine that this place was built overnight, one day there was just mountains, fields and forest, then aliens arrived and built their HQ there, complete with fast food, express ways, designer fasion and monolithic skyscrapers. The people are great too. If you asked me what the average hongkonger was like i'd be hard pressed to find an answer, there is no average in hongkong. There's your average mainlander, who just happens to be chinese, and there's your average islander, who could be any number of nationallities, there's your ex-pat, by-and-large British and numerous tourists from all continents. It's a mishmash of peoples all bundled together producing a place without identity or culture, it borrows from it's ancestors and develops with its guests. I guess it's more a case of where your at, rather than where your from, and how much you on. And there are beeches and country parks, as well as city; you can go for a treck in the morning, swim in the ocean in the afternoon and paint the town red in the evening. If you can't swim then sight-seeing and shopping. And this is all some people do, what a life!
In this picturesque setting we stage the beginning of my life, it's conception and birth. And it comes to no suprise that a place can change your outlook on life, in fact it could be the first steps into the rest of your life. In that place you will see a side of yourself which reveals the truths about people and the world. It will challenge your belief systems and guide you to a higher state of consciousness, something you will know when you get there. And no, you mustn't judge a book by it's cover, the soul of the author lies within those words, his expression is your guiding light...



Three: Darklands.

...they're here.... they've come for me.. i get out of bed, heart pumping through my chest. slowly i make my way down the spiral staircase to confirm my fears. there are two of them. i search my fathers room, for some reason i hope to find some form of protection, a gun... why would there be a gun, stupid... a torch, maybe... well obviously nothing. they're still there, i can hear talking. the roof, i can make for distance, buy some time. it's raining heavily, i soon become soaked. look! the girl who watches tv, she's walked out onto the balcony, she can hear them too! i climb up onto the roof and flash my lighter twice, it gets her attention. what must she think to see her neighbour on the roof of the villa flashing a lighter, in the pouring rain. the police do arrive, however i am taken out of the equation, nobody asked me what happened that night. i later discovered that triads had come for someone in the village that night, i didn't know the family so left it at that. the girl! why didn't she involve me? surely she saw me on the roof with a lighter, flashing and waving my arms like a madman, it was four in the morning, she must have thought my actions to be strange. did she call the police because of me, obviously not, else the police would have questioned me. to this day i still don't know the truth, i never spoke to the girl about it, she must have been trying to protect me, but from what, or whom, that still concerns me, why did she lie to the police? i am eternally grateful that she did what she had to, nobody wants to be questioned by the police. i suppose she knew more than she let on, she knew i wasn't involved; somehow i have a feeling that the whole village knew exactly what happened that night and that i, the new boy in town was ignorant to the fact that your supposed to hide under the covers when it thunders and lightning, hide untill it's over, not make like a idiot looking for a gun and playing out the scenes of an action movie where you blow the bad guys away. when i finally got on the three foot square roof, it was raining heavily, i listened for footsteps and voices, i'm sure they were in the house, searching the house for me. when they made it to the roof i would kick their sorry little asses into oblivion. that never happened, and the girl, i never spoke to her.



Four: Sidewalking.


and now i'm bed bound, yes, i feel like some kind of cripple; the illness has overcome my very being, not content with my mind, the cancer now consumes my body, yes, through every muscle down to the bone, in every vein my blood feels like poison, my body rejecting it; and it with no way out. no, there's no way out. the blood can't escape, though my brain it warps and ripples, flux of a negative karma; it finds its way to every organ and distorts its function according to its pleasure. not content with a clinical display of swordsmanship, it now reverts to the imagination. Oh! what pain, what joy; the suffering drives me to tears of joy, the laughter of a madman and self-pity on a monumental scale, 'i am the one!, The True Messiah. with my thorns and nails, i bleed over mankind, cleansing it of its disease; negative karma stored as pain. i have returned and i have been reborn, the illness has consurmed its way to my soul, yes, my very existance is according to the whim of a chemical imbalance, and nature. born with this potential and fullfilling its every desire, i become one with suffering and realise the teachings of Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, the 'enlightened one'.
... and the sword penetrates, and the flesh bleeds blood of a spiritual legacy, the blood of Christ; his forgiveness driving the sword yet deeper, his tears, tears of compassion.

And i awake, i have not slept properly, just drifting in and out. A glow of strength circles my being, i'm cotton wool again, away in the clouds, i feel fine. I remain for as long i can. Making my way to get dressed, i feel the nightmare return; there's no way out. And the agenda for today, very much like yesterday, try smoke less, not to get angry at anyone, or any thing; go out for short walks. It's pretty dull. But what tresures lie behind those all seeing eyes of yours, the secrets to life, or hell and damnation, ultimately the end of time. Either way your never gonna make it, its bad enough just trying to have days and nights, the hours suck and you don't get paid, there's no way i thought it would end like this. It's a bad time to be in a rut, hell! it can't end like this, i've learn't nothing and i feel as old as the hills, maybe this is just a test. no, I can't be this ill when the time comes, somethings got to change. I'm just gonna do it... and did i work it out, or did mankind reduce itself to rubble? In all honesty i was too busy worrying about whether i piss people off, or not. I guess that's a not yet.
I'll admit that i was suffering, i suppose i was ill.



FIVE: Some Candy Talking,


i think it's time to talk about my recovery, how i beat the blues to make it into a world of perfect chords and harmony. but how could you admit to yourself, nevermind the doctors, that you had completely lost the last few years of your life. how the stories you tell are about a world in which no soul resides, there is no time and no dimensions. layer upon layer of discovery reveal disturbing memories, memories of a forgotten age; a prequal to the main feature, the recontstruction of a brilliant mind, it's function not one born out of experience, but of theory and conjecture. retrieving reason out of ignorance, order where once was chaos. the process takes a few years, a transformation will take place and you will dispell every demon ever to grace your path. to believe in the healing process, have faith in the power of conviction; if you pull yourself out of here, you are guaranteed a life of luxury, free from pain and suffering. i'd buy it, wouldn't you? and what of this life, the life of experience. surely this is the real world, not one where experience is replaced by philosophy, and conjecture alone is expression. your memory is useless from here on in, you have to rely on inspiration, time to direct not observe, participation is essential; its your life, no one can tell u how to live it. this vision of being the one, the true messenger of my collective parts drives me to create a future, out of the ashes of the past if necessary; forward, we have to go forward!



Part Two.



One Thousand And One All Seeing Eyes.



It happened like a dream, just drifting in and out of consciousness, the pain was too much to bare and i cannot recollect my emotions at the time because such extremity does not grace my path anymore. To be awakened once, only to be driven to insanity, then dying and being reborn; only the true masters can remember their past lives, surely this is the first of many. So when a cat has nine lives, surely its the cat nature in us which enables us to lead multiple lives (i know its the same life really but for the sake of creation, lets say we 'can' entertain more than once.). So we continue... it was during my second 'life' that i encountered the power of enquiry, and i guess its all answers from there on in. Part two was too short lived to be considered a life, but does the trilogy really begin now or was my 'death' a fantasy? I cheated death... back to part two. Why does enquiry develop during the middle years? How timely the answers becoming in the final years. What is enquiry (i hear you ask), why its a barrage of questions (my dear). And whose asking? Why its 'you', of course. Training is part of the course, and your right, this is part two.



Jokerman.


Nope... mean yeah! IT WAS A FUNNY time for me, looking back. How i remember times of extreme joy and happiness, as well as sadness and loathing, i suppose it all balances out in the end, and no one really remembers the bad times; only in passing. There's no way i'd chose memory lane over the future, but the laughter of a madman is truely liberating, i apologise. I've even got to thinking why i'm writing this story, it has no plot and there is no character to follow, just a collection of experiences and emotions. And didn't we establish that these two oms are taboo (IN FACT THEY DON'T EXIST, think about it...)
So why the big joke? they do exist! I have memories of things i did, which i ain't doing now, and i have moods where i feel deep emotion. How dare you tell me i don't feel, nor do i exist!?
Who's confused? (YOU SAY:" WE ALL ARE!") We progressed from confusionism into taoism when i started part two, the tao is enquiry, not education. We informed in part one and now we begin our enquiry.... about that which cannot... that's right! get a star.
Its too fast and jumpy.
One thousand and one appologies. Okay, its time to begin our enquiry... about that which cannot be spoken (of). ...HaHa! YOU LIKE THIS. Let's begin.

1. WHO AM I?
You are the Tao.
2. WHAT IS THE TAO ?
That which cannot be spoken...
3. How do i learn about the Tao?
"..."

And in a nut shell i had grasped part two, that of enquiry. You won't get there if you don't. So why is it that you have to enquire all the time? Is it because you never get a sensible answer.

As lord and creator i have the power to take the reader on jouneys not entertained by the masses, this is not popular culture, nor is it a cult; it's the enquiry into that which cannot be spoken...

(In other words we won't have any answers to your questions, but for the sake of enquiry, let ask them anyway.)

1. Are you mad?

A. Easy one to start with. Well before i consulted proffesional advise, yes; and after, yes'terday.

2. Do you still hallucinate?

A. Yes, but only because i'm doing something wrong, we all get goals to achieve and mine is to stay on the controlled side of chaos (i don't use the word insanity cos that's a professional diagnosis), it's up to me to complete each day (if that's any help.)

3. What was the worst part of your illness?

A. The worst part of my illness was the reality of having no mother to confide in, just the memory of her after kimo. It made me cry and i had not shed a tear for over ten years, or since; I felt like a seven year old again, in tears because things were not the same. The illness was painfull, but nothing was unknown, there was no fear, everything had its place; hard times befall upon us all.

4. How do you return to life after experiencing so much suffering?

A. Suffering is part of life. How does one cope with too much joy? Your too high, and you want to come down. I can laugh at myself, yes, i take myself seriously, but there is accomodation for the surreal, that which is never mocked. Ignorance is not always bliss.
(And we all know the butt of the joke... jokerman.)



Hard Times Befall Us All : Up in court.


This is where enquiry takes the delusion to new hights, dangerous levels of enquiry can lead to an untimely death. This is the part where i cheat death, and yes i did 'die', but somehow lived to tell the tale. The story so far, i'm in hong kong and i'm broke, not a penny to show for it. I result to stealing food from supermarkets and 'jumping' the underground. The end was coming, i could feel it; delusion had awoken in me a place where nothing lives, eveything is geared up to end. I'm caught stealing cigarettes from a Seven-Eleven and duly arrested. Hard times befall us all and this was one of those experinces you never accept. I'm a good guy, why'd you have to arrest me?
I was taken in and questioned, there were a lot of them for such a small crime, a packet of cigarettes cost $30 (that's £3!). They made me feel uneasy, like i had more to tell but let's start with the cigarettes. I shouldn't have told them i'd bought them earlier, the boy in the shop saw me take them, and he called the police. During questioning, i owned up and they went to town. I was made to confess in cantonese (not my strongest language), they got it out of me, i can't lie in cantonese. CID called my father and he was told to come and get me. It was a long night, i felt like i gave up that night; the end was in sight. i have enquiry to thank for that.
Something had to trigger the illness, the delusion. Some event occured that night and it's consequence would change my life and leave me mentally ill. The arresting CID officer assulted me, he struck me from behind, there are no witnessess, but i felt a blow and my whole body shook; i felt his charge, like electricity running though my body, paralising me, so i wouldn't be able to defend myself. I have felt that charge before, just after walking out of a(nother) job; however, this time it was disabling, and i felt fear. By the time my father came i was in tears and emotionally drained, due to the intense interrorgation session i had just had; i looked sorry and i was. Life changed from that point on, he might aswell have shot me in the head, from that point on i would feel only hate towards the CID officer, and the fear would disable me for three years. And enquiry, what can be said of enquiry? Well my friends, we have now walked into part 2...

(We can take a little break at this point and begin our enquiry. This will comprise of a question and answer section, complete with notes; and we may get a little more story, however, we have covered much of this period in previous works, thus i will focus on enquiry.)

Q. Why did u steal the cigarettes? You knew you would get caught at some point, don't you know when to stop?
A. I have already apologised for my crime, and done my time. I have never done this before and nor have i since. What i'm trying to say is that my crime was all part of the 'delusion', i 'had' to steal my smokes and then i 'had' to get caught, and arrested. It was all part of the master plan, only i'd never admit this to your face, i was 'meant' to go through this, without it i would never entertained enquiry. (So you created an alter-ego, one which would steal and lie and cheat for you, so you could carry on being ill.)

Q. What was making you do this? And what's so important about 'enquiry'?
A. The story, it's part of the delusion, where i'm the main character and everythings about my life. (But its not your life, its you being ill, and believing you are doing these things for some reason. You don't do things like this.)

Q. But isn't everyone the main character in their own 'delusions'?
A. That's true, but not when your playing a character of fiction, and have been for the past three years.

Q. You mean you have been pretending to be steven and are infact an alien in his body!?
A. Something like that. I 'know' steven, but i am not him, he's directing the movie, he plays no part in it. I have replaced his thought's with mine, in truth its more like 'our' thoughts, I am part of steven, the part that survived when so much went to waste. Without me i feel he would never have made it, some people never do. (Now you sound crazy, so you drew on some hidden resourses and made it over the line.)

Q. Still you though, isn't it?
A. Normal people don't have 'my' set of senses, because i have two; and the second set of senses are delusional, i don't really feel, see, hear, taste, smell what i believe i am; it's just my brain telling me that i am... I mean i know the difference between the two 'worlds', but when they are running concurrently, you never can tell. (But you admit to knowing the difference, you may sound crazy in court, but your guilty, not insane.)

Q. And where does enquiry come into it?
A. Enquiry is the vehicle by which we understand that world out there. Our enquiry enables us to control 'this' world, and become central to it. Through enquiry we find out the true nature of our world, this is one where uncertainty underlines all events; an experience is merely a moment; an emotion, mere memory.... (In trying to explain yourself you lost the plot and became mentally ill. You over stayed your welcome and overstepped your mark, and you paid the price. That was a real experience, and it acted as a trigger in reality, your delusions would surely follow. And they did.)


And it was like dying, life slowly drawing its last breath, and you packing your bags for the journey home, back to the UK. It had finished like this, but who was i now, who would survive the enquiry and answer to my name?



Ten Thousand and One Blackhand Buddhist Swords.


"The injuries to the body were substantial but they had wrapped him up well. He had finally stopped bleeding from the knife wounds, and although his movement was slow, it was precise and meditated. The epic journey was over and he knelt by the djembe, standing firm in the corner of the room. Mission accomplished. The mission was a success, and he was given a hero's welcome, although he felt no need to celebrate; something in him had died and he felt only loss at his achievement. As the wounds healed he meditated deeply on suffering, reflecting his own lossess with that of the world..."


The shop was the same as it ever was, situated on a busy A road with a set of pelican crossings linking two parades of shops (1970's style). The familiar sounds of the shop, his brothers voice and various members of family and staff filled the air. Somewhere in between HK and UK, this small suburban takeaway, with its roots in south manchester; set up by a generation which came in force to establish their roots, here in the UK. The chinese have set up their own culture here in the UK through a network of shops producing asian cuisine. As British citizens they thrived in a lucrative business, and soon brought over other members of family, to share in the wealth, and community. Our family was typical of that generation which made the transition, one of my brother's is classed as a BBC (British Born Chinese), the rest of us were made in Hong Kong.


In humble surroundings, that's where this chapter begins. In a flat above a shop. Now we've been here before, but that was under different circumstances. This wasn't planned, as least not in his mind. But everything was in it's place, the room had been arranged as if waiting for his return, like they knew he'd be back; and if he were to return, they would be ready. He was made to feel welcome by his family, however, they knew this would be a struggle, what condition would our prodigal son be in this time, london changed him, hong kong, well! expect the unexpected. The question on everyone's mind was, who would he be this time? we've already had the travelling musician, who moonlights as a shaman, and believes he has found Buddha Nature. I'm concerned, Hong Kong, and China, would he remember what he'd done in the last two years? What demons had followed him back, and what spirits could he conjure up this time!
It's difficult to describe the person living above the shop, yeah we all knew who he was but... who is he? And i think the person asking this question more often than not, was himself. When your this far gone, surely it can only get better? Little comfort for the one having to get better. But like they say, it'll get worse before it get's better, far worse. Can one be prepared for a period of mental illness? Yes, if you seek help immediately. And if not? We all do, eventually, else your it's not illness, it's just you. But in this case we have an imposter, yes we treat him like our own, however, we know him like a guest, and one with honour. HIs secret is our secret, his honour, our dowry, this is a marrige of convenience, and one which would unite many worlds. And who could direct such a period in time? Yours truely, this is my recovery; but before we reach dry land, we must understand... What is it we are trying to understand? I've called it enquiry, but it goes by many names, let me shine a light: time, destination/destiny, Buddha Nature, synchronicity, cause and effect... are we getting warm? If we can replace the instance of enquiry with that of the light, then we begin to understand, and enquire.

What is evil? Is there such a force as evil. If there is good in the world, then why not evil? Let me introduce you to the centre of such a force, his name is Angelo, and his spirit is that of pure evil. His presence was detected by the shaman, it lived in the body of a woman, domant and waiting for the right time to emerge. Only the act of lovemaking could wake such a force, the communion of two free wills against that of God's will; from the ashes of a higher love, a purer love, comes the sad story of broken hearts, and unspoken words, silent strangers departing the island. This was the birth of Angelo, the fallen angel, from the ashes of Gibrael comes the wanderer, since the creation of time, he has walked this earth with God's angels, but he was abandoned by his maker, forever cast in the underworld, the world of the dead. But now it's his turn, his only chance to break back into the land of the living, through an adulterous affair, he gains strength and is able to return; through the delusions of a schizophrenic, he is able to make front page news, across the globe.

Why did he pick Gibrael to understand his will? Because Gibrael's dispair at losing love was the closest thing to Angelo's own feeling's of abandoment (by God). Gibrael was 'dead'. The illusion had begun, Angelo was in, with his foot in the door he get's a hold of the brokenhearted and shakes his up for 'his' return. Of course i invited Angelo back, he's part of this story. And why not? He's everybody's favourite angel, when Angelo has a party the whole of mankind will dance, and that's his pleasure; but the dance will be one of war; he plots nation against nation, man against man, he'll turn your brother into an enemy and loved ones into ghosts; he will shake God's subjects up for 'his' will, that of a gauntlet for the master; 'take me back, or forever my blood will flow, drowning your people of their faith, claiming mankind for myself.'

And what does all this mean? Okay, let's cut to the chase; something about your never gonna make it off another government list... HaHa! I love that line. Good (and evil), exist. They are forever in abundance in our lives, and in our world. We all recognise it, we say things like, 'that's a force of evil', or 'have a good day!'. Different aspects of our daily lives are punctuated with reference to good and evil, which some believe is dealt out by God! I would say it's his angels which dish out the dirt. God has more of a directorial part to play, his will carried out by his onterage, the angels. It also means there's no devil, or satan. His presence is not required since the angels frequently get pissed off with their own expendability, and accidentally, people die. (I like to point out that no offence was intended. Please don't do me for blasphemy!)

So how does this kind of understanding help someone suffering from schizophrenia? Take it easy joe! This is a person your talking too! He's got feelings...! Yeah, but by his own admitance he's making them up as he goes! How can i use that as a reference for his delusions? I need to know what 'worlds' he's mixing up (like some kind of Jackson Pollock), and which people are his reference to these worlds; factual, fictional, or off the television. He's obviously doing his own research, done his homework too; just... hasn't got his heart in it, think he misses the real world. He's got friends, and family, he should be leading a normal like; he's bright, get's on with people, he could offer a lot, and fullfil many goals. Let's take the devil back and call it quits, leave steven be, and trust he'll stay out of trouble this time, learn from his experience. I'm sure he'll be fine if we give him back. He's done his time, and what a time! WOW! Thought we had joker at some point, turned out to be a mighty fine fellow, three cheers to Ste! ( I hope that the Sha Tin Police Force would echo the same sentiments, that includes the arresting Officer Kim, and the assulting CID officer, who shall remain nameless; bollocks to the boy who called the cops, suppose it's true about the extra's on set.) ...damn fine movie though!


To be continued...