Wish You Were Here

Untitled: Wish You Were Here.


Intro.


Lyrics fill my mind, unedited fragments fill my thoughts, they travel with me everywhere i go, i just can't get them out of my mind. If i were lonely i would welcome them, however, i am not, thus they perturb and distort my every waking second, a broken soundtrack to my life, forever and a day, they follow me. I find myself being tracked and hunted down by my hero's, Marley, Zimmerman, Heron and Waters, to name but a few. They voice their opinions to me, tell me how its is, secrets and lies, and i just can't escape their influence, because it is their words which have brought me to where i am, lost and fighting for my mind. But i have no place to go, nowhere to take them, i'm just struggling to cope with routine, an everyday life with nothing to show for it, when all i wanted was to apease my mentors, show them that i could express and excel, the words they spoke... wish you were here.



Part One.


Shine On You Crazy Diamond.


There was a time when the music left me, way back when, when the world was at war and all i could here were the screams of the dying, angels and prophets. Now the war is over and they scream no more. So back to the music, and the lyrics. A man on guitar, strumming three chords, and singing about being saved by a woman, i feel empathy for him, love is the common denominator in many songs, it's something we can all equate to. We only have to listen to understand the passion which he feels for that someone, the relief that someone loved him enough to pull him out of his quagmire. We've all been down in the dumps, and sometimes a song can change us, bring us up and out, smelling like roses. And if she isn't around anymore, well, that song will remind us how happy and how pleased we were to be friends, or more. A harmonica drones in sympathy for the vocals which are sung with heavy tones and feeling. She was a true friend, i'll never forget her.
My thoughts switch from those of war to those of peace, and she comes to me in a dream. Her face looks different, still beautiful (in my eyes), however, she now bears a scar above her left eye, and she places her head on my shoulder, for comfort, she has suffered, as many have, but at least she can find solace in me, the one she once saved, here and for her. And although my life has changed, the suffering i felt without her is not felt, as forgiveness is spared, as she was the one who forgave me. But i know that this is only a dream, and that if she were with me now, i would be the one looking for solace. We can all find a song we have not heard for a long time, but finding someone you love, or have loved, is not so simple.
The song continues in my head, as i walk to work, true, i am not the man i used to be, a little more wary of people and a little less confident, than i used to be, but at least i have love in my heart as i walk to work, knowing that she too has felt the love which we shared, if only for a day.


Wish You Were Here.


Its been ten years since we last kissed, ten years, without you. I still see your face, yes, in my hallucinations, and mirages. We speak, we talk, we exchange. You, forever optimistic and smiling, confident and loving, like to say we'll meet again, when all this is over and you have recovered. I feel it's your way of saying goodbye, goodbye to someone for whom love was just another trick, another song in a set, rehearsed and polished, an act, a show. But it was more than that, i promise. Yes, it was music, yes, it was performance, but the feelings were true, the emotions felt, i improvised my way through it all, trying, yes trying, to believe that it was real, more than delusion, more than fantasy. And for you it was real, i know that now, i know that all you gave, you gave because you were in love, when i, when i was just lost, lost in the music, lost in the chords, in the scales, the rhythm and melody. And you walked away, singing my song, humming my melody, miming my words, because you listened and understood, you spoke my words and began a journey which, for me, was about to end. And as the curtain fell, i felt sorrow, not for you, but for my music, for i would never hear it again, that which had followed me and kept me company would be lost, forever, and i guess, that would be the end, for i could not continue without it, and you would have been lost, without a song to sing, as you walked away from me. I have not heard the music since, but i have felt comfort in the knowledge that she sings my song, forever and a day.
I would add that, ten years after playing my song, i have learnt to listen, and now i have many songs which comfort me, in my hours of solitude, and she, she still comes to me, with a smile, such a sweet smile, before she walks away, singing my song, if only for a day.


Knockin' On Heaven's Door.


My song was a gift, no less, a gift from the gods, a song which would carry me on a journey to peace, and love, to find a true heart, a compassionate heart, and unwavering attention. My focus would take me away from delusions and drop me deep inside enemy territory, for a great war was upon us, and one which i had a leading role, so the stage was set, the lights dimmed, smoke rising, the audience silent. Distant sounds of gunfire, the low boom of an explosion, voices nearby, the crunch of footsteps on gravelled road. The loud scream of a missile flying over head, like a rocket on bonfire night, we duck for cover. Shell after shell lands, the horizon ignited by the instruments of war. If were in doubt, no longer as the first casualties are stretchered in, blood stained clothes of civilians with missing limbs, wrything in agony at their misfortune, shrapnel caught in their faces, the bodies of the dead carried in with faces covered. Outside, the looting begins. Windows smash, shouting can be heard, cars speed off, the police, no where, security, not in this town. As we tend to the wounded, riots break out in the streets, gangs of youths throwing stones, the occasional petrol bomb, upturned cars on fire, the gangs want control of these streets as there is no security, not for them, they play out the war which rages around, granted, on a smaller scale, but it is the same war, we are all part of this war. It is now well into the night and the sounds intensify, bodies litter the makeshift morgue, the streets now silent as the gangs consolidate their gains, and loses. There are no winners in a war like this, just survivors, suvivors and shaheed... inshallah.



Part Two.


In Revolving Ash Light.


Form, formless, shape, shapeless, movement and static. In the heart of the night, shadows cast. I find myself caught in a trance, a waking dream, where i'm being hunted, stalk and be stalked. Street lights illuminate, then darkness, walk at pace, then slow, tread with care. Silent is the night, as i play this game of hide and seek, with my lover, with my music. Through alleys and down streets, i hunt her, she hides around corners and waits, always ten paces ahead, sillouetted in the distance. I must reach her, i must talk to her, as I approach she vanishes, and silence, only to apear ten paces away, music emanating in her wake. I give chase, trying to catch up, she smiles and is gone. I can feel the night on my tail, hunting me, as I, her, darkness all around. Sleep is catching up with me as i fight to stay awake, I cannot give in to sleep, i must talk to her. So i follow the music, I track and I trail, with the night, snapping at my heels. Darkness finally envelops me and i float, taken away, by the night, as i awake, in my bed, confused and weary. It was only a dream, but the music, and her, i am draw towards them, for what i have lost, and my desire to get them back, I seek unconsiously, eternally. I look in the mirror and see, my reflection, next to her.


Some Times Always.


What is it to be in love? What is it to feel love? When was the last time you were in love, or the last time you felt love for someone? And if she doesn't love you, or if you don't know if she loves you, is it still love? I'm sure we would all love to know the answer to those questions. Some have the answers, some feel they have the answers, some are lost when it comes to love. I'd like to say i have answers, but they just apply to myself, whatever makes you happy. Am i right? Is love just a ticket to self-pleasure? Or is there more to it? Does love really make you happy? Does loving someone make them happy, even if they don't feel love for you? It's anyones guess at the end of the day, so does it really matter, or is it self glorification, appeasement? I felt love at the age of seventeen, untill then it wasn't love, family doesn't count because you have no choice, i mean, seriously, who would choose to love their parents? Or brothers and sisters, for that reason? When it comes to love it's a personal choice, like, i love that car, or i love that song, it's the ultimate choice to say you love something. However, when it comes to a person, you would hope, or at least like, that person to love you back. It doesn't happen i most cases, love is a fantasy, but as long as it makes you happy, keep loving! I would like to say i fell in love last a couple of weeks ago, she's the receptionist at work, newly recruited, and for all to see, obviously, they had to choose someone pretty. The reason i feel love is not a physical thing, although so is very attractive, its more a desire. I would like my working day punctuated by a pretty smile, some small talk, and the possibility that we could be friends. I'm not talking marrige, although i did try guess her name, and what it would sound like next to mine, of course I guessed right, but that was just fluke, her name is Rebecca.


Blues From A Gun.


I am Saleem, I am Mujahideen. I fight the Soviets, defend my homeland, Afghanistan. My brothers are strong people, we are warriors, together we defeat the enemy, those who kill our women and children, try to take away our homeland, but we are strong, and we defeat the enemy. Many join our jihad, take up arms and fight, AK47, that is our weapon, we fight the enemy, infidel, try to take our homes. We are many, we are strong, we defend our land in the name of Allah, and we will be victorious, God willing. My people suffer, they die everyday, shahuda, paradise awaits my brothers and sisters, those who witness, those who are martyr. I kill many, everyday, and many brothers are killed, but this is war, and everyday we fight, we survive. I know war, ever since i was child, i know war. I have weapon from age of sixteen, and i learn to shoot, i am good fighter, i am warrior, i am mujahideen. Tomorrow my son will fight, and then their son, we are warrior, that is what we know. In Afghanistan, always war, many people try to take our land, but we have brothers who will fight, fight to death, they do not fear death, paradise is theirs. The Americans help us, they give us money and weapons, they want to defeat the enemy too, i welcome them, but they are not mujahideen. One day we will have victory, and my people will be strong, we are good people, Afghanistan will be ours... inshallah.



Part Three.


We Sell Soul.


It takes a lot of nerve to write about oneself, to flood the page with emotions, feelings, experiences. Obviously the trick is to be modest and let the readers imagination take them where they want to go, you are merely a catalyst. The themes of love and war are particularly strong when it comes to emotions, they provoke a myriad of feelings, even if we haven't experienced them ourselves. Plot is less important because every story has a journey, and that may be just a walk in the park, as a opposed to a full blown package holiday. However, sharing is what i'm trying to achieve, i endeavour to aquaint my reader to various themes which float around in my mind, daring, yes, dangerous, less. What do i hope to achieve from my words? Well, i'd by lying if i said it was to win the Nobel Prize for Peace, however, i hope these words will touch you in such a way as to entertain, relieve your suffering, and lead you to harmony in the world we inhabit, the world we all inhabit. These words are ficticious, but not fiction, they are imagery, but not imagination, they are emotive, but are they emotion? That is where you come in. We sell soul, in return we ask for your emotions, do you feel what i want you to feel, when you read these words? If you do, then i succeed in my task, and i reach my goal. I am apart from my emotions when i write, my desire is to convey what i felt, not what i feel, and my use of words is purely to achieve that goal. Experience? We have all had experiences. We sell soul.


Who'll Pay Reparations On My Soul?


I had some news the other day, an email from a close friend, it was bad news, it stated that my father was ill, and that i could be cancer. I have already lost a parent to cancer, my mother, many years ago, i have recovered from this but the news which i recieved made me think, not about my mother, but about suffering. My father has always loved me, ever since i was a child, he knows me, what i like and dislike, when i'm happy and when i'm troubled, he is my father after all, i can rely on him even though i do not burden him with my worries, i know that he would understand, so i rely on myself. I have come though troubled times, schizophrenia, i was ill for many years, my father was the one who recognised my illness and took me to see a doctor, however, it was many years later, when the illness had gotten worse, that i submitted myself to see a psychiatrist. Suffering comes to all of us, young and old, we all experience suffering, and suffering comes in many forms, physical, mental, emotional, we all carry scars from relationships, lost family and loved ones. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, or so they say, but what if it does kill you? Who will gain strength from loss? It may take years to come to terms with losing someone, my father is a shining example, when i lost my mother, he found his own way, a way to cope with such loss. And no, it wasn't easy for him, i would even say it was nearly enough to cripple him, emotionally and mentally, but he found a way and has lived many happy years, change happens, that's what he came to accept. For me, losing my father would be a grave ending to a relationship which has grown in the last few years, as i have spent many weeks living with him in his house, in Hong Kong. Ok, i'm on holiday and it's convenient to stay with him, but its much more than that, i wanted to build a bridge which was destroyed by suffering, both for me and him, we are like father and son again, we have an understanding, understanding that whatever happens, we will both be fine, we'll be ok.


Winter In America.


Take me down, right down, turn your love lights low and take me down. America is at war, well, no surprise there, but tell me, are you for real? America is always at war, whether is cold war, civil war or Vietnam war, america is always at war. I have no time for americans, with their hamburgers and rib-eye steak, their oil guzzling motorcars and their politics, on my tv, night and day, night and day. Take me away from america's claws, it's life sucking, future hogging, my way or the highway ideals. Well, no more america, just how blind, america, just how blind. Love is the answer, and i'm falling for it, one more time. The states are now a just dot on the horizon as i speed my way along love's highway, i've left those feelings behind, no longer required, as i race on my bike, to the next page, the next chapter, and love? she rides with me, on a journey with a future, a journey with hope. The shackles of america's consumer culture are left behind, as i pursue my dream, with love by my side, no longer the american dream, i do not want everything, only what is due, only what is true, me and love, yes, me and love, by my side. So turn the page, leave it all behind, take a chance and you will find that there is a whole lot more to this story than love and war, we are on a journey, we travel, and we will arrive... wish you were here.



THE END


by Steven KK Li

Fallen From Grace

Untitled (but Spiritualized): Fallen From Grace.


Intro.



I want to take you somewhere, somewhere far away, a distant land where few have been. I have graced this land, but only once, i have seen it with my own eyes but have no memories to share. I hope, by telling this story, the memories will return and once again, i will be at one with this land, a land where dreams come true, and destiny is revealed. We all have a place in our minds which is special to us, however, this is a place where 'minds' are special, or rather, a place where 'we' are special, a place which reveals to us our true nature and ultimately, a place which leads us to truth. How many of us are seeking truth, in our lives, how many of us are concerned about are nature? What exactly is truth, and nature? Well, when we reach our destination, this will all become clear, and such thoughts will no longer be foreign to us, they will be our goal, they will be our guide. Maybe you have been here before, walking the same path as I, maybe you have asked the very same questions. But have you ever... fallen from grace.



Part One.


One: So Much Trouble in the World.


War, we are all familiar with this word, even if we have never experienced it at first hand. The news is our source, when it comes to war, we 'watch' war on our tv screens, never out of our bedroom windows. So, is there, or rather, are there any wars? It is clear to all that there are many wars, and yes, some people see war from out of their bedroom window. How harrowing, war, outside my window, when all i want is a good nights sleep! But yes! war is upon us, war is everywhere. Who started these wars? Who has the right to spoil my sleep and prevent me from getting my eight hours? We are... yes, we all are responsible for war, the government we duly elected wages war on our behalf, sending troops and employing tanks, making air raids and bombing compounds. We are the reason there is war, we are the reason. Now i never said that you could go to war when i ticked that box, that box which i ticked on a monday afternoon, in some primary school, sometime last May. Well, sorry, but you might as well have asked me to push a button which launched a nuclear missile, i wasn't aware of my choice, i thought i was voting for better education, better healthcare and better public services! Sorry, you've just voted for all out global thermonuclear war, the pen is mightier then the sword, but not as mighty as nuclear fusion. Ah, wait a second, i voted for a government which would improve this country, not invade another. Yes, but we had to invade in order to get you your healthcare, and your bus route. We invaded in order to educate your kids, we invaded to... we just invaded, OK? Well, i'm sorry, but that's not OK! We never asked you to invade anyone, why are you blaming me for the military action? Simple, the action was taken on your behalf, we act on the interest of the nation, and we decided that if we invade, we will ensure that the buses will be on time, that waiting list will fall, and that our children will get better results! Crazy talk! What kind of monster are you? Waging war against a peaceful nation won't ensure these goals, how can you justify these ludicrous claims? Easy, we are an elected government and we act on the interest of the nation, so there! No! I won't stand for this! This is deception, and i will take you to court over this! Easier said than done madame, we select the judiciary in this country, and they act on our behalf. I've been a fool all my life! I thought i was doing good, ticking that box, when all i was doing was killing innocent people and causing suffering on a monumental scale! Well, you can always abstain, throw your vote away and let the opposition in, see if they can't fulfill you desire for justice, sorry but this is a no-brainer, whomever you vote for, we all follow the path to war, that what we're 'there' for. Have a nice day!



Two: Burnin an' a Lootin'.


We walk down streets of desolation, burnt out shops, upturned cars, debris. You know you're in a war zone, you don't know where, but you know by the empty streets that this place has been deserted. The smell of war is evident in a place like this, pungent fumes of smoke and sulphur, streets littered with the discarded remains of habitation, its looks like the end of the world, and i guess for the people who once resided here, it is. The shops have been looted, when the fighting began and the soldiers were clearing the area for air strikes, residents took whatever they could, ignoring rifle fire from snipers to make a quick getaway with whatever they could get their hands on, tv's, radios, food, furniture, the list goes on. No one is innocent when it comes to war, but i guess these things are useless left here, and if nobody looted them, they will have been obliterated by the shelling, so all's fair in love and war. The soliders have now gone, leaving a wasteland of rubble, no one will return, not even the freedom fighters who once patrolled these street, this place has been laid to rest, fallen from grace.



Three: Rebel Music.


Youssef sat on the doorstep, cleaning his AK-47. He and his muslim brothers were freedom fighters, members of Hezbollah, the militant Lebanese 'terrorist' organisation. The AK-47, the prefered weapon of the modern guerilla, is a Soviet designed gas-operated assult rifle, used thoughout the midlle-east by 'holy-warriors' during conflict, it has become a symbol of resitance all over of the world. Youssef returned to his room and placed the rifle on his bed. On the wall was the Flag of Hezbollah, yellow and green, an arm reaches out of the word Allah, clenching the Kalashnikov, 'Party of God' written in green Kufic script. He sits on the floor, and reads from the Koran. Today, he lost a brother, an Israeli air raid struck a mosque and many Shi'a were killed, his brother was attending morning prayer when the missile struck, his brother was an engineering student, he was not a member of Hezbollah. Youssef felt remorse, he and his brother grew up together, they played in the streets as children, attended prayer at the mosque together, his brother was the reason Youssef had joined Hezbollah, he felt it was his way of helping Lebanon, helping in the massive restructuring needed after its wars with its neighbour, Israel. Today he would reflect on his purpose, tomorrow he would fight Israeli's, Israeli's that had, fallen from grace.



Four: So Much Things To Say.


They say it is the literal word of God, written in such verse that it has riddled scholars for centuries, written by the Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), spoken by Archangel Jibraeel (Gabriel). Every word is the word of Allah, as it was revealed over a twenty-three year period. Unchanged for fourteen hundred years, the Koran deals with man and his ultimate goal. The theme of the Koran consists of three fundamental ideas: Oneness of Allah, Prophethood and life after death. The success of human beings on this earth and in the life hereafter depends on obedience to the Koran teachings.



Part Two.


Five: Could You Be Loved.


How can life be complete without love? How can i write this story if there's no one to dedicate it to? Few people write for fun, usually there's someone in mind, someone to share these words, and someone to read them. Beauty is an inspiration, a face in a crowd could be enough to get your hands working, the tap-tap of a keyboard is a sensual feeling, for the writer, and of course the words, conversations we wish we were having. It's the next best thing, for some, the only thing. Love can be expressed in words, emotions come out of the page and caress your mind, taking you deep inside, deep inside yourself, hopefully we can journey into your soul, sweet soul music! Who we choose to dedicate remains a mystery, anonymity bar a name, we invite the voyeur in and entertain, the dedicatee has the pleasure of exhibition without the embaressment, or the attention, privacy is ensured. We are like lovers, playing with our andience, playing to a crowd, playing with their emotions. We want to be observed, but we must remain anonymous in order for the illusion to work, the love affair depends on speculation and rumour. We can attain celebrity, even fame, many authors are questioned as to whom their work is dedicated to, but like every magician, these words are never spoken, for the circle will be broken and the magic, magic no more. Expression is everything, to evoke that feeling, to create that image, for it to become real, needs some truth, and that is the power of words, to create the truth out of an illusion. We are shaman, we perform miracles, we inspire and we tease, humour, ecstacy, sorrow, sadness and joy, we play every note and we use evey scale, we mock you, however, we love you.



Six: Turn Your Lights Down Low.


So i guessed you worked it out, that i've been thinking about you lately, and even though we're strangers, i feel a chemistry between us which tells me we could be friends. It always begins with friendship, in the last two weeks i've felt like i've know you for years, we just gel. You're an artist, a musician, i'm a writer, we're on a level. You love to play, i love to write. And although we both have a passion about our art, its the passion we evoke in our audience which turns us on. I'm like you, a slave to the masses, we only exist for these people, without them our efforts are wasted. We may love each other's art, but it's 'their' love we command, acceptance from the crowds, and our fans. You 'nailed' it last night, and i wrote the words spoken by Gabriel, we aspire to a higher goal, spiritually we are equal, our souls are laid to rest, on stage, in front of the keyboard, and our performance is judged only by God. Angel's from heaven, we can take the crowd to a place where anything is possible, a place where dreams come true, we unite, and we ignite, the fires of those souls who are willing to listen. Perfection is our art, every note you play, every word i write, we are observed at every moment, how far can i take you, where will you lead me? I follow the path to wisdom, like many before, and these words take me to places i wish you could see, my heart is an open book, my knowledge for you to share, closer to you, and to God.



Seven: One Love/People Get Ready.


With her by my side, i slowly begin to see, all the things i'd thought i'd seen, all the things close to me, things i hold dearly. She reveals them to me once again, and this time i see them in all their glory, my life, as it was, there and then. Today i was born and forever in debt, to her, and what she knew. She was a seer and a saint, she taught by example, and what she knew, i have travelled far to know. And i love her wholeheartedly for her knowledge, that which she has shared with me, that which she has become, a women of knowledge, a warrior, a traveller. She takes me to a place i could only have dreamed, and truth is revealed, for now i am a man, no longer a boy, seeking truth. And truth comes at a price, a price she has paid, for she has paid many times, and one i am willing, for this is truth, this is love. I rest my soul beside hers, and i find peace. The burden of childhood is lifted as i rise, in all my spendid glory, i am awaken, no longer in slumber, far from dreams, and the truth takes me high above the clouds, i see mountain peaks, i see sky, i see the sun as she has never shone before, brilliant and bold, a circle, an eternity. And i wish we could stay forever, here, in this place, this place she calls home, and never, fallen from grace.



Part Three.


Eight: Exodus.


So many times i find myself on the road, on a journey, travelling. Its the source of all my wisdom, knowledge i have attained, measured in miles. And its not where you go, its how long you've been going, and some of us never stop, as we have no destination, we travel to survive, we travel to live. I have taken my readers on many journeys, and not all have been simple, not all have been easy, some required great effort and stamina, its a long road ahead of us and its getting dark. But i will safely say, all have been memorable, and what better than to have returned from an epic voyage with stories to tell, and memories to share. You know the feeling, you get back from your holiday with photos and memories, some say you need a holiday to recover, but you're always grateful that you went, grateful of that chance to experience life, life somewhere else. We all need this, many are lucky enough to make it a regular occurence, for others, it's gold dust, and not to be missed. Why do i burden a holiday with such capacity? Because a holiday is a journey, it's the closest most of us have come to travelling, and no travelling is not the same as a holiday, but we've all had holidays, not all of us have travelled. How and why is it that i have a demarcation between the two? Because on holidays you bring yourself home, travelling, you bring your journey home. Travelling is knowledge, it is experience, not that you don't learn something during a holiday, new experiences are a kind of education, like holidays are a kind of travelling, however, holidays are long forgotten after the event, travelling, the journey remains with you still. Usually a holiday is a break, a getaway, from something mundane like work, or home, travelling is a journey which takes you from where you are to where you want to be, travelling is a continuation of life, you never 'break' away, as you bring all your worries with you, and exchange them for an alternative, a fresh page, a new start, you put an end to your suffering, and adopt a new existance, far away from where you find yourself. So the next time you take a holiday, stop, and travel, and no longer, fallen from grace.



Nine: Concrete Jungle.


Jason lives in the city, he lives alone. He's lived there for three years, Jason is homeless. When his mother passed away, his father left him and Jason was made homeless. He was twenty when cancer killed his mother, he is now twentythree and the memories are distant, he lives in the city, like so many homeless, Jason is a survivor. He can often be seen sitting crossed legged on the pavement with a paper cup for company, ocassionally a passerby will throw a coin in the cup, Jason would look up and smile. He lived on what people didn't need, loose change, cigarettes, food, water. At night he would attend the shelter for homeless people, a charitable housing association which gave people without homes a nights sleep, safe and warm, far from their occupation, being homeless. He would meet all sort of people in the association, runaways, homeless, victims of domestic violence and abuse, travellers. The atmosphere in the association was always calm and friendly, people would share their stories and a real community had developed, many had been coming to the association for years, some had been there longer than Jason, it was their home. Laughter and conversation was the reason most attended, company, after a long day struggling with life, life in the city. Jason knew most of the regulars, he was an instant hit with the wardens, they warmed to him, and he would help out where he could. A simple meal, tea and coffee, this was all available, drugs were out, junkies were welcome, however, the golden rule was no fixing, and no smoking. Usually people would fix before coming, this was allowed, the association didn't discriminate, there were counselors at hand, however, they were not there to make people quit their addiction, only to help. Jason was clean, he'd been a cannabis user for years, but when his mother passed away and his father left, he had no money, he had no home, so he gave up his only love in life for a second chance, a chance without drugs. His friends still smoked, however, he would see them less. Drink was allowed, but only in moderation, drunkards were turned away untill sober. During the day the association would run workshops, people had the chance to learn new skills, in the hope that they would be able to give up life in the city, there was a long list for council housing, and only those with a good record at the association would be put forward, not all homeless want to be housed, the asociation realised this, and treated those with due respect. Jason was on the housing list, he attended most of the workshops, anything positive, anything but life in the city. One day Jason hoped to qualify as a counselor, dealing with drug addicts, no longer, fallen from grace.



Ten: Easy Skanking.


For many years i have been coming to terms with mental illness, an illness which consumed my early adult life. It started with psychosis, voices in my head, it soon blossomed into full blown hallucination and delusion, schizophrenia is the term used to describe people who suffer from this fate. My delusions overtook my reality, reality, which for me, was limited and unfulfiling. My delusions took me to a place where i could escape the failure of my existance, an existance which was incomplete and undesirable. I gave up my beliefs for a world of delusions, delusions which were ultimately unfounded and untrue. I spent years in this wilderness, searching for answers to questions which had plagued my mind for years, questions on suffering and of nature, what was my reason for being, what was my nature? I spent the early part of this term questioning what i had done with my life, why i had distanced myself for humanity and chosen a path of knowledge, knowlegde which lead me astray, and made me give up life as we all understand it. And even though i still took part in life, my thirst was for my delusions and how far i could take them. I would spend hours in schizophrenic cyberspace, locked within rhetoric, within myself, and with my demons. I could not escape this, they would not allow me peace, i had to converse to exist, my nemesis had waged a war with my freedom, and now he demanded that i bow down to his account, his translation. He had introduced me to terror early on, he educated me on all the major terrorist factions, from the Islamists to ETA, these were the bread and butter of my delusions, i had been educated to undestand their purpose, and their reason, i knew their history and ultimately their future, that of bombings and 'holy war'. It was about to explode onto our tv screens, it was about to become reality. What i knew told me that it had been brewing for decades, that something was going to happen which would change all our lives and ultimatley, lead us to our future. This act would allow me to give up my delusion, and return to earth, with a bang. It felt like i had been away for a long time, deep sleep, and now, now was the time to awake and rejoin mankind. And that day i awoke to see planes crash into the twin towers, as we all saw it, on tv, and now i knew i had returned, the answers to my questions, yes, it was all true. My delusion was actually a reality, i had questioned so far that i had come full circle, from naive and innocent conjecture, to full blown reality, and more, because this was only the begining, this was genisis, from Bin Laden to Al'qaeda, it was all true. Holy war had hit out screens and now i had the pleasure of watching it, rather that working it, i was pleased that i was home, no longer, fallen from grace.



Part Four.


Eleven: Natural Mystic.


Give a little love, spead some joy, these are all things we can do in our lives to make the day a little better. We all have the ability to be positive about life, we all possess the power to lighten the load, and make each and every day worth while. Why not smile at a passer-by, why not wave when you see someone you know, human contact and communication is everything, each interaction plays a chapter in our lives, the next person you meet could turn out to be a friend, and talking to strangers, well, i was told not to do so, but hell to it! some of my best friends are 'strangers'. Eye contact is also important, always look a person in the eye, it leads to places one can only dream of, the eyes tell more about a person than what they wear, or what they are saying, only the eyes can transmit the hidden feelings of a person, because of our interpretation, because of our evaluation. Situatons where people gather can be fruitfull, there is usually common bond between these people, and we can use this to mingle, pubs, bus stops, concerts, these places are full of casual acquaintances and the converations are usually upbeat and joyous, people love to comment and analyse. So, join in and be part of it, conversations are like journeys, you know where you are going but don't know how you're going to get there, many magic moments are had in the passing, live for them, no longer, fallen from grace.



Twelve: Stir it Up.


Why do i write? I've often asked myself this question. Is it to fulfill something missing in my life, maybe to reach out to people, to aid and inform my friends. Somethings are hard to talk about, even to the closest of companions, friends are always there to listen, but can i really see myself telling them my life's story? So i choose to write, it fills the void between my life and the fiction that i would call my life, and we all invent a fiction, we all have delusions. Luckily i have friends which are good enough to give their time to read my work, and to give feedback, and this has compelled me to explore further the thoughts which i have, and the stories i tell, my friends are the reason i write. What do i want to achieve with my words? Well, entertainment is essential, but more than that, knowledge and wisdom, these are the goals, like the conversations we used to have and the memories we used to share, now, we wouldn't have labelled these as education, however, looking back they were more than that, they were the lifeline of experience, they were what made life, unconscious, subconscious, whatever way you looked at it, my experiences, shared with my friends, were the building blocks of life, reeducation, and learning to the extent of giving up 'our' education for something else, something more than real, more than life. What do i mean? I'm trying to express something which changes life, takes you outside of empiricle experience, and allows you to reach beyond the transient, takes you to a place where you had to have been to really understand, its a place we've all seen and a place we all recognise, it's that unspoken place where everything is smiles and laughter. Yes, you all know that place, like when you talk about an experience where you were truely out of it, or when you were totally lost, we've all been there, freedom, and fear, all at the same time, whether drug induced or simply spontaneous, we've all been there. So let me take you back, not only there but beyond, let all life be lived in that space, let that memory take over and consume our being, for i believe that it is that moment that makes life real, it is that moment which inspires us to act and react, not unconsciously, but consciously, and then we can truely say we are alive, no longer, fallen from grace.



Thirteen: Time Will Tell.



I end this journey with a story, a story which i have told on many occasions, it's a story which i recall everytime i travel, it's a journey which i take everytime i write.Its the four noble truths of buddhism, its the middle way, that all life is suffering, a result by our thirst, or desire, and the cessation of this suffering by following the eightfold path, the path to enlightenment, and nirvana. Buddha gave us these truths and taught them till his end, and they have been taught ever since, to all that would listen. However, i must change the story to adapt to modern life. I was the Buddha, yes, i was the enlightened one. I say this because we all are Buddha, each and everyone of us is Buddha, we are all born and we will all die, however, in our lives we will all reach the realisation that pleasure and pain are just two sides of the same coin. We all know of pleasure, and we have all experienced pain, no matter to what extremes, we have all lived. Some live a pleasureable life, some live in pain, but we all choose the middle way, because we all have consciousness, we all have nature. All of us have compassion for others, and we all love unconditionally, we may not think we do, but we do, we all belong to humanity, and we all have feelings for our fellow man. It's a condition of mankind to help others, not to see suffering, and to help those who are less fortunate than ourselves. If we are lucky enough to live a life without suffering, we will welcome the suffering of others, and try to bring about its end, we all have charity, we all have hope. If we are the cause of suffering, guilt will take over and we will feel sorry, the Law of Karma dictates what is, and what will be. We will not get away with our deeds because retribution will always find us, whether good or bad, it all evens out in the end. This is not a story as such, it is my story, there are no events, there are few characters, less a plot, but there is a wealth of understanding and knowledge, hopefully you will recall you own (story) and tell it once more, no longer, fallen from grace.



To be continued...


By Steven KK Li

God Fearing Man: Fixin' to Die

God Fearing Man: Fixin' to Die.



Intro.


Is it where i'm up to... or what i'm up to? Let me explain. It's 2006, summer, that you all know, and everything is in place. I'm cutting it fine, but i'm on time. It'll be the tenth anniversary of the day that changed my life, soon, and i'm begining to reminise, about that time, and the time in between. Once i was lost, and now, i'll safely say, i'm found. I was fighting for my mind and now, and now i'm found, no longer... fixin to die. I have a message of hope, for all those who were concerned, and a message of doubt, for those who were sure. Strange times indeed! Talk of giving in and giving up, that just ain't my style, as you all know, bigger and better things come to mind, as once i conquered (and i will again), the thought's in my mind and the illusions we all share. It's gonna be a rollercoster ride, so sit tightly and we shall begin.




PART ONE.



Give a Man a Home.


We are all blessed, some with virtue, others with stupidity, but we are all blessed. When we talk of talent and ability, it's not always of what we can do, and what we have achieved, but what others have done, in our place, and how we have learnt from their example, no longer can we plead ignorance, for we have been taught, and no longer do we follow the path of the lost ones, for we have seen the light. And it's no secret, we all know the truth, but to find it, that's a quest for the holliest of grails, the blood line of your life. But don't dispair, help is at hand, we have faith, for it is our beliefs which will bring the truth to our feet, of what we are and why we are here, no less, faith is the the key to our survival.
There's so much i want to say, but i choose my verse with care, so as not to mislead. I want to bring you to where i was, and to where i was going, to find my place, in the hope that you will find yours too. If you are lost, make it your home and feel welcome as you are, and if you are found, share your light with me, so i can see where you have been. Followers of the faith will have a head start here, but if you are new to this experience then let me expand. We are historians searching for truth, and by that we mean those experiences which have shaped your life, those bolts of lightening which have brought you here, to these word, and their (hidden) meaning. Now, we may argue that we have led a normal life, and that nothing special has occured, i beg to differ, we have all led extraordinary lives and that simply being here is enough to guarentee that your life has changed because of some event, past or present, which enables you to read these words, and please understand that your life is every bit a special as mine, else you would not be here, reading these words. Patience is a virtue, that i will concede.
Let me continue... your life is not just a series of events which ultimately lead to your demise, you are born, and yes, you will die, however, you will change history with you life, shaping the events which will change all our lives, simply because of faith. What you believe will influence your fellow man, and if you don't take it to your grave, then your friend may. And feel free to believe in whatever you wish, as it is not what you believe, more how you believe which matters. Your beliefs define who you are, they describe your personnality, and more often than not, determine how you are percieved by others, this is what people are remembered for, because this is what we all are remembered for. Faith unites all of us, because it is faith which describes our truth, not our illusion.



Fight For Your Mind.


I was sure, i was so sure, sure of myself and of those around me, sure of my place and sure of my beliefs. Each day had it's place, and we worshipped the sun and moon for their light, and their life. Night followed day, we awoke and then we would rest. A life in a day, everyday. Sure of the sun, and grateful for the moon, we lived our life in cycles, with that of our celestial bodies, and we meditated on suffering, for we had none, blessed by our friends and family. Nirvana has been spoken of, and we felt that our knowledge had granted us a ticket to that island paradise, a place where time has stood still for centuries, and nothing can disturb it's peace. However, we are only visitors here, and we are but travellers, for this place exists only in ones mind, tomorrow i will awake, and again, fighting for my mind... and only truth can survive the journey from this place, this place of plenty, for only truth can transend the void, night and day.
So life, as it was, perfection and truth, brought humbly to it's feet, stumble and crawl to the gateways of confusion, and once again, to the doors of suffering. Knock loudly, for nobody will hear you, when you enter, and shout, for in the confusion, we may not hear you come. But you are always welcome, don't forget, your presence has been foretold, with that of baited breath. We sent for you, for we knew that you spoke the truth, we pleaded with her to let you go, so that you could relieve us of our suffering, as you did with her, and for your sacrifice, we would reward you with immortality and a place, a place where you could carry on your faith, not in a foreign land, but here, in you own, the place of your birth. So bring your faith, pack your beliefs, and say good bye to your friends, for they shall be friends no more, for you shall die in this land, and become an angel of faith, and a teacher of truth. Blessed by your fate to bring your ancestors home, for their work is done, and now the motherland can be one, one with your blood.
This i cannot except, the honour is too much for one so simple, too great for one so humble. Let me come as i am, please, with my rags and my charms, for i have no gold, stolen from me, and i have no money, given to others. Don't ask me to speak, for i say little, and don't ask me to eat, for i have no hunger. I come to rest, and to teach. My time is now yours, and how i spend this time will depend on your needs, and desires, i want of nothing but to serve my master, that which you now are, and will always be. All i ask is that i be given shoes to walk and water to drink, these are my needs, not my desires. I will rest in my bed and not be a burden to you, for you have family, and i, faith. My temple is my mind, i carry it wherever i go, but i ask that each night, i return it to the place which i call home.



Power Of The Gospel.


The power of words, and their meaning, are the subject of this chapter. For so many years now, words, written and spoken, have changed my life. They have opened doors of perception, and have lead me into whole universes, where illusions exist, illusions, which have determined my life. Words have shaped my mind, they have lead me astray, and carried me home, as only words have the power to overcome truth, truth which i find in silence, silence and solitude. All words are spoken, spoken with emotion, and it's this emotive force which moves me, moves me from my center, to that of my peripheral. On the outskirts, close to the edge, that's where illusions exist, truth lies motionless, whilst illusions accelerate and perturb, they create change and therefore influence our ground state, that of perfection and the transcendental. The words i choose will allow you to find your center, at least that's where i hope all roads lead, if your feel disturbed by my words, then the truth is lost, and you will have to start again! My aim is the transcendental, and thus the permanent, that which is truth, that which is you. If you feel disturbed, you are too high, the destination is ground. My goal is silence, to speak but not to be heard, these words will induce a trance, that which you will recognise as Buddha Nature.
You may ask, is it possible to find peace, simply by reading? I say yes, because all words are spoken within, your heart will hear and your mind will listen, simply by connecting your heart and mind, you will find the doors to your Buddha Nature, of course you should be sat half-lotus on the floor, but we shall forgive you if this is not your usual position. Life begins with this 'space', for this is your truth, with heart and mind in peace (with words), Buddha Nature is easy to find. If you have doubts, simply stop reading, and enjoy the silence, the silence and solitude.
I am a teacher, but so are we all. What i teach is an ancient art, it's called 'sitting quietly'. Personally i prefer to listen to music, and although this sounds like contradiction, it is not, because i am still, 'sitting quietly'. Others prefer to read, and so i write, as i choose to serve (the master).




PART TWO.



Welcome to the Cruel World.



Noble monk, i see you have travelled far to find yourself on this road. I say this because i too have travelled, but now i have arrived and i travel no more. Humble servant, you are right in your observation, yes, i have travelled many months. I have travelled from Amdo and have been on this road for nearly a year. What is your name, kind servant? I was born Chen Zhu Wai, however, i have little use for my name noble monk, less for whence i came. Brother Chen, we all have an origin, all roads must begin from somewhere, if you care not for your birth, then where may i ask, is your destination? Noble monk! i have arrived! My birth is ignorance and my destination is here! where i stand on this forsaken road. As you are, i too was seeking answers, but now that you have arrived, i ask no more. What is it that you seek, here on this road? Brother Chen, i have been chosen by my sangha to seek for enlightenment on this path, and too seek a master who came before me. What is the name of your master? I have seen many on this road, maybe i can be of help. Brother Chen, my master is called Rinpoche, of course i don't know him by his birthname, but he is known as Master Rinpoche by my sangha. He left at the age of fifteen to seek enlightenment, he was a talented but stubborn monk, he studied 'the self' until he fully understood his true nature, then left. And Rinpoche walked this road? Yes, we have heard stories about a monk who taught 'the self' to people on this road, he became a local legend and is well known as a teacher who spoke the truth. And where is your master now? Brother Chen, we don't know. One day he just disappeared, people who would visit him and listen to him teach say that one day he just disappeared, nobody has seen him in over ten years. Noble monk! I am Rinpoche, the master that you seek! Your journey has come to an end, however, your path has just begun. This road will teach you 'the self' and i will be your guide untill you too realise your enlightenment. Let us begin...
The self is this path, the self is 'this' road, this road that you find yourself on. But 'the self' is all roads, its is every path. The self is all who travel on this road and all who live on it, but 'the self' is everyone and everything, on all roads. To understand this let me describe your journey. You travelled from your sangha in Amdo to seek a great master who also travelled from said place, you seek this master, on this road, in the hope that you will find enlightenment. That is your journey. If you suceed in finding your master, you will realise your end and hope that the master will teach you his truth. 'The self' is every journey, seeking every master who ever left, and to fully understand 'the self' you must begin each and every journey searching for truth, not just your master. On your journey, you will find only yourself and your master, that is your ignorance, believing that your journey will uncover the gate to knowledge, it will not, you will have to return to your sangha to find 'the self' which you left, many moons ago. Your journey is two fold, for you will have to return to whence you came to realise 'the self'. With this knowledge i bid you farewell and hope you have a pleasant journey!
Master Rinpoche! I have realised 'the self' and i must return to Amdo and my sangha to tell them the good news! The self is 'the self', and until i can give both up i will never find my enlightenment. My journey is so and i must return to realise its truth, however, your journey is 'the self' that which you can never give up, only when you give up this, 'the self', can you find nirvana, a place which i know you are now. Your wisdom will be taken home to the sangha in the hope that we can all find our true nature, you are living in nirvana because you gave up 'the self' in exchange for the road, i find myself on the same road but 'the self' says i must return to complete my journey, only then will i be enlightened and nirvana shall be but beyond the gates of the temple. Bless you Brother Chen for you are the Buddha, the Teachings and the Sangha.



By My Side.



There are many roads, there are many journeys, each has a place in your history, no less, each journey will guide you further on your path. We take each road with anticipation, we take each corner with hope, every road leads to a place and each place has learning. Travelling is an education, one may say, if we are lost, we must find, and when we are found, the next turn could lead us to doubt. I have travelled many roads, so must we all, and many roads need to be travelled in order to find learning, a simple walk can lead to revelations about oneself, as long as the journey is taken in the correct mode, and by that i mean, seeking for truth. Now, nobody goes for a stroll seeking truth, however, every step reveals truth and at every turn. A walk to 'clear your mind' has no destination, you always intend to 'come home', but what is it that can be found in those steps, what is it that you can experience in that journey which makes the circle complete? Like the master says, 'each journey is twofold', outward and inbound, at some point you will have realised your 'destination' and plan to return, else your mind will be 'released from its bondage' and again, you will return. We can all except this as so, however, let us analyse the journey of the master. His journey is outbound, with no return. He leaves because he has realised his destination, and has been released from bondage 'before' he leaves, the journey is just the conclusion of that understanding, he chooses to travel, as is life... destination, anywhere but home.
The self is ego, that's what the master teaches us. Bondage to time, parents, names, homes... the list goes on. We are all born with an ego, but this is not identity, no, it is a cloud which always finds us and prevents us from seeing a clear blue sky, that of our true nature, Buddha Nature. To lose ego is to lose oneself and to find Buddha Nature, you must do this if you are to travel, for the burden of ego will prevent you from ever leaving. Travelling is not a holiday, for when you return, that is when the adventure begins. Each journey will take you futher, closer, to Buddha Nature, and only a master knows this as truth, for only a master will never return.
A great journey can begin with a small step, take a walk, and believe that you will never return. At some point the clock will start ticking and your bed will call. Have you ever entertained the idea of running away from home? Where, when, how... all these questions will invade your mind because now, you are asked the question, can is survive? here in the wilderness? We have all experienced this, either as a child, or god forbid, as an adult, and i say this because i would assume an adult knows his place, however a child is lead to question. Buddha Nature is a child, he knows no home, he has no parents, nobody to depend upon, and nobody to depend upon him, freedom is his cause and enlightenment is his goal, not a pillow. 'It will make a weak man mighty, it will make a mighty man fall', are you experienced? This is not part of our education, no, this is part of our freedom. Take a walk and see how long it takes for the clock to start ticking, this is burden, this is ego.



One Road to Freedom



Farewell, my friends, for i must leave, now. I must travel afar, but i will always be close. Some may ask why? you can choose any path in life, and you can always return, you know you are welcome. Yes, but i will die on this journey, never to return. My life has ended, here, with you my friends, time will pass and i will be but a memory, always in your hearts but never at your door. I am going to die, in a place far away, no one will save me for no one will know, my passing will be a great day for it will be the end of your learning, the inward journey can now begin. I must begin my teaching, and i can only do this after my death. I must pass this life onto you, my friends, and give myself to my destiny, that of my last journey, and my last breath. The sun will shine for me as i walk my last road, beyond the mountain lies a place where i will find truth, a path many have taken before me, and a truth many have chosen as the cessation of suffering. It is the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, that all life is suffering, its cause being our 'thirst' and desires, now i must quench this thirst and bring an end to my suffering, the cessation of all suffering, by following the path to enlightenment, namely The Middle Way and The Eightfold Path. Have faith my friends! and Ten Thousand Miles without a Cloud.


Farewell, my friends.

THE END.



(Inspired by the music of Ben Harper and The Innocent Criminals.)




PART THREE.



Walkin' With Jesus.



Johnny was one messed up kid. He lived one day at a time, with no purpose but to awake, and then sleep. Days would pass when he would achieve nothing, no job to go to, no friends to visit, no family, just a neglected kid with delusions of grandure. But man, was he cool! He was liked by everyone, nobody could put him down for being lazy and useless because he loved life, at least his life. Ask him what he wants to do in life and he'd just smile, he knew 'this' was life, and if nobody understood, that was because nobody was 'alive'. He was of course 'dead' to life (as we would call it), but his delusions allowed him the freedom to take on a more important role, that of the messiah. Ask the question, if the messiah was alive today, what would he do? His answer would be, save the world!
Now, nobody believes that they are the messiah, at least nobody with any sense, however, they say that an unstable mind can associate their own suffering with that of Christ, and compassion for the Saviour leads to a complex where you believe you are the Second Coming. Easily done if you have little else in life other that a deluded mind. Such minds cannot see their future because there is no cause and action, an episode of psychosis may occupy your mind, however, nothing will amount, because nothing exist, it's purely in your imagination. Hallucinations may seem real at the time, and they may lead you to commit an action, however, that action, being the result of something made up, will ultimately end up as senseless and stupid. You think the hallucination relates to reality, in truth, nothing can be further from the truth, there is no god, and you are not the saviour, just a messed up kid. You will see signs everywhere, as your delusion convinces you that you could be, even though what little common sense you have tells you the contary, that there is more to life than reality, faith has a downside, what you truely believe could just be you're downfall, then who would look stupid. So what of Christians, Muslims, Jews... well, they just believe, their faith is a discipline, there is structure to it, and it's teachings lead to a fullfilling life. Schizophrenic faith is ultimately fruitless, nobody else believes what you do, because it's pure delusion. There is no Church of the Schizophrenic Nazerene, because there is no nazerene, just schizophrenia. And it's church? well, that is the facinating feature of this mental state of being, many schizophrenics believe in the same delusions. So welcome to Church...
Many schizophrenic explain themselves by talking about a world i can only describe as one and the same as 'intelligence'. Now, that is not to be mistaken for a world of clever people, no, we have now been 'classified' and if i told you, i would have to kill you. You see, i have worked out that i am so 'classified' that not even i can truely know my own identity. I think only the President of The United States and a few other people know of my status, and they are either 'dead' or 'hiding'. Are we getting closer? After Christ, you are the second most important person in the world, for you hold the key to survival, or the end of the world. Yes, give up God, he can't help us, with his creation and angels, no, this is down to you, soldier, you must stop the killing, and bring about peace on earth! Thus, the mission, to 'see' how it will all end, if we don't start talking about 'how' to bring about an end to the world's problems. Any idea? Well, let's start by watching the news, and see if i can't work out who is about to bomb the US. It's easy when you have the power of hindsight, but i believe that more schizophrenics 'knew' about 911 than you average Joe. Why? Because that's all we've been 'watching' for the last few years, ever since we attended Church. This is a bold statement, but i feel the medication will ease the pain, the pain of faith, faith you only get from going to Church.



Lord Can You Hear Me?



I'm a good person. I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all myself. But i was lost, the questions i asked of myself were foolish and pointless, you taught the way, you gave us the example, but i was so sure that you were false, and i was seaching for truth. Lord, forgive me. I ask for your pardon, as i have lost faith, faith in you and faith in your kingdom. You gave me a sign and i broke the law, sent back as a criminal, only to start on this road again, the road to truth, the road to faith. I suffered in your name when all you wanted me to do was smile, my compassion was misguided and it lead me to believe that the devil himself was at war with me! I have no hope, less faith. All i know is waking from a dream where you were but a memory, and that i had died. But you gave me a second chance, my resurrection was a sign of you love, that i will never forget, for now i live, and forever, fixin' to die.
I believe in heaven and hell, for you have taken me through both, and this was not a test, you only wanted to show me the way. When i was at the crossroads, with nothing but fear, you made an angel of me, yes, you did, so i could travel both roads and make my choice, and Lord, i travelled for many years, blinded by delusion, lost in the light, with no direction home, only to return, back to the crossroads, where i had wisdom and hindsight, a mortal man with his life in front of him. I hope i chose wisely, and now, travel with faith, back to you my Lord, my messiah. And when you return, i will be here, with a smile on my face, and you will know i chose the right road, for we are friends, and i shall greet you with open arms, and say, 'Bless you my Lord, i am you servant'.
Faith can take you far, it can open up many roads, but beware, some roads are not for the faint-hearted, they require courage and compassion, you may think that life has dealt you a cruel hand, and that you lord has forsaken you, but behold, He is there to guide you back, back to faith. This i believe, as all of us do, for He will return and forever, fixin' to die.



Amen.



Sweet Jesus! Take me home, back to my childhood, when we had no fear, when each and everyday was heaven sent. Lord, give me shelter, shelter from the horrors of this life, and the next, and Lord, be me friend when all is lost. I ask this of you as you are the only messiah i know, the only healer, and prophet. Lord, wipe away the tears which flow from my eyes, for the ones i have lost, and for the ones i will lose. Lord, can you hear me now?
Take my hand, Lord, take my mind, for i have no use for it now, i have fallen deep, deep into slumber. And Lord, wake me when this is over, for i can hear no more, the cries of this world. I sleep to find peace, as it is all i know, peace from my mind and from the screams i hear when i close my eyes. Open your heart, one last time, as the eyes of the world are upon me now. They ask, what will you do? what is you next move? I tell them i am tired, that i cannot think, please leave me in peace so that i can think! Bless this world for i am leaving it now.
Awake! I will give you a sign, so that you know i am here, that i am true. You have chosen your path wisely, the path of the faithful, but you must see that there are many hardships to experience, this is not heaven, no, this is the path of a man of faith. There is a war to be waged, it is a war of good against evil, no less it is The End of Times. Many have spoken about these times, that this will open the way to my return, but before this, we must endure much suffering, and only faith will see you through to the end. There is talk of the false prophet, the deciever, no less Satan himself will appear. We must recognise his mark, for only those with the mark of the Devil will be allowed to trade. But don't be fooled, this is not a trade in which you can profit. You must pray for what you believe in, you cannot bargin with Him as he will create armies on both sides, a great war will be waged between the faithful, and He will lose. I will return and He will be defeated. Have faith.




PART FOUR.



Feel So Sad.



Ahmed was nine, he lived with his brothers on the West Bank. He had lost his mother and father in an Israeli air raid on their home two years ago, he is now looked after by his two elder brothers, they are both members of Hamas. His future was in his own hands now, and he wanted to be a martyr (shaheed), a suicide bomber. Ahmed was a follower of faith, he read from the Koran and attended the mosque, he would pray five times a day, the loss of his parents confirmed his faith to the point where heaven was just a day away, for tomorrow he would blow himself up at a busy market stand, hopefully taking out many Israeli civillians. His brothers prepared him for his last evening, Ahmed washed his hands and feet, read from the Koran and said prayers, after a modest meal, he went to sleep.
The morning broke with a brilliant sun, the brothers went to morning prayers and then returned to their home. They shaved Ahmeds head and dressed him in loose fitting clothes. The 'belt' was well hidden, no one would suspect a child. Ahmed smiled as he left his family, they waved him off as he got into the car which would take him to his destination. The car stopped fifty yards away from the place where Ahmed would enter paradise, a brief good-bye followed by 'Allah Akbar!' 'God is Great!' the last words of all shaheed, Ahmed would say this with true conviction, he has faith, he has truth, he has destiny, ' Allah Akbar!' 'God is Great!'
The operation was a success, fifty-six Israelis killed, many more wounded, women and children amonst the dead. The Israeli Prime Minister condemed the bombing, Hamas claimed it for themselves, the brothers were pleased, Ahmed in paradise...



All of My Tears.



Peace go with you brother, for your freedom, for you right to defend your land. I hope you find paradise as your god has promised, and i hope your people find the peace they hunger for. My heart is with your family as they parade your picture through the streets of Palestine, a hero, a martyr, a shaheed. Finally you must realise your own purpose in life, and your place, in paradise, along with that of your parents. Blessed are those with faith in their hearts, as we all die a little, day by day, each and every day. Your name is spoken in the homes of Palestine, there is much celerbration, people were given hope, to fight another day, as you did, and in your absence, they will build a new future, for your brothers, for you sisters, so that they too can be shaheed, and light be upon your people, for they die everyday, but never in vain... peace go with you brother.



Take Good Care of It.



I return to words, for they have misled many, some to seek solitude, others into delusion, many, to their deathbed. But where else (i ask) is there to go? I seek words to find peace, away from the world of foolish thoughts and illusions, into a place where we can believe, and have faith, faith in myself and others. I seek the Grail, I seek the Light, i find only words, for it is words, and only words, which can comunicate to me, the true feelings i have for you, my friends, and it is in words, that i seek refuge. There is no preacher at my door, no one to canvas my thoughts, but there will always be a teacher, to pass on my message, a message of hope, for all who are ... Fixin' to Die.




with love,

Your Friend and Companion....

Steven



THE END

Freewheelin': A Journey of a Free Spirit (Revisited).

Freewheelin’: A Journey of a Free Spirit (Revisited).


Intro.

It takes time, she tells me... you can't find it overnight, it takes time. The pursuit of freedom is the subject of this essay, that which has eluded me for many years. It can be found, that i know. I escape, but am i free? For many days now i have been lead to believe that redemption exists, if not in the mind, then on this earth, and right now! i endeavor to find it, here in these words. And i share my findings with you, so we can both be liberated, and enlightened. So why the journey? What is it that can't be found right here, right now; that which requires a 'journey' of some description, some destination to bring us to the fact that our freedom lies within us. Yes, redemption requires a mighty effort on our behalf and sometimes a journey is best way to come to that realisation. It all begins with one small step, and we are about to take it.
Her face has it; the truth, that is. It 'holds' it when our eyes meet, time stops and, we see ourselves in a new light. We evolve and we are wiser, and not for some split second but from here on in, and we know that (is true), as a fact. And who is she? She is love. And what is love? Love is truth. There is no escape, we see our true feeling and we are naked to this, there is no escape. And does she know? Love always knows, however we are not escaping our lives to 'fall in love', it is 'love' which has fallen for us; and finally, we are 'freewheelin'...



PART ONE:


1. The Land of Giants.

The mountain pass poses difficulties for me, as night falls my steps become premeditated, and i choose them with care. Focus, i care to remember each one and i have taken many. The path to the holy land is one in which each and every thought is destiny, and destination. We are in a sacred land. Many have come this way before, and many will follow, but it is our thoughts which will guide us now. How can we enjoy such a journey? Each step is burdened with pain and only our fear keeps us from falling, we must focus; the road to our destination is littered with danger. Why undertake such a journey? Truth comes at a price. And we are all willing to pay this price if the reward is true love. She will be our guide, each step, she wills us on further, to our destination.... and the Land of Giants. This is her home, and mother earth has protected her identity for many years, for it is only the faithful which will grace this land. I find myself hypnotized by her presence, as each step is taken her legend reveals itself; i know this path will lead to the truth, that which has eluded me for many years.
I awake to a brilliant dawn, that which i have traveled many days to see, and finally it is revealed to me, in all its splendid glory. My soul is lifted onto the wings of a dove and i'm free for the first time. Her path takes us beyond mountain, beyond valley, and into the heart of her territory and the land of giants. For days i have wished to see her face and it is now that i am beginning to realise her beauty, my soul soars with the eagles and i am lifted above my destiny, into a land of legend and i become one with her, and her ways, her thoughts. Time has revealed herself and it is time which now holds the truth, and for an eternity. I travel with her to the place where it all began; the legend, the beauty, and only now can i turn to look at her and see her in all her glory... Mount Kailash.


2. Nine Eleven and The Tale of the Twin Towers.

I remember little of that day, or at least i care to remember little. All i do remember is running down to the Victoria Wine to buy a packet of Marlboros. At the time i was volunteering for the Red Cross, this was not a career move, more a side-effect of schizophrenia, something i had been cursed with for many years. And all prayer mats point to Mecca, and this was quite true considering the whole affair was over who had to right to the holy lands of Islam, and all that oil, (or so i am lead to believe.) My understanding was that the cold war was over and the CIA needed a new nemesis to conquer. Islam had its place and somehow the CIA had manufactured 'extremism' out of a peaceful people's, and now 'they' wanted to 'take over the world'. All i knew was that 'I' had taken over the world and was now watching the fruits of a game of toy soldiers, played in my room, and played out on the 9 o'clock news. This was my idea; my schizophrenic delusions had challenged 'America' and the West, to a holy war against Islam, (as these were the only 'sets' i could lay my hand on.) Playing toy soldiers with my hallucinations had produced the world we inhabit today and i was pleased, and on the seventh day 'I' took a day off and watched it on the BBC. Well, there you have it! That’s why 911 happened, because i 'thought' it would, and it did... Now just a second, how can the delusions of a schizophrenic possibly have anything to do with something which has been brewing since the occupation of Palestine! Or the creation of Israel, depending on which state you are recognising! This is just hearsay, your honour, no evidence to prove the assertion, just conjecture and the refutations are a plenty. Nonetheless, i stand by my assertion, that this is no more than fantasy, and that we will all feel a whole lot better after medication! Realising that reality can be more 'extreme' than fantasy goes a long way to understanding schizophrenia. You can dream up the most ludicrous realities when you have an episode of psychosis, but you will never, and i repeat never, surpass the reality of mankind's delusions, or realities. I'm glad it happened, i feel better!


3. Freewheelin': The Journey of a Free Spirit.

I love to travel, ever since i was young i loved to be taken to places; and it wasn't where we were going, it was just the 'going'. It was as if each journey would take me home, to a place where i belonged, a free spirit hasn't settled, but maybe the next journey will take him there. Or maybe it was just the traveling which made me feel at home, the car journey, or the long walk, maybe i was truly home when i had no home, and when i finally arrived, i would be traveling. Either way you look at it, your only as good as your next journey, and journeys, i've had many. Being displaced from my place of birth to the other side of the world, and without a choice, one is always looking for a way home, now i'm older i take my journeys with care, each one takes me closer to home, closer to my world, as i piece together 'this' world. And when i find myself home, as i truely see it, i'm only freewheelin'...
I'm looking for love, we all are, and it’s not just someone 'to' love, it's love as i would call her, for she is truth, and she brings you home, to a place where you belong. And i'll keep looking, each 'affair' sheds light on the truth, as love is not to be found hiding in one place, but shining throughout, and in many. And this is the truth, we can find her in all the places we know well, and we discover her when we are lost, for it is love which eases our minds when we find we are lost. And as many times as i have found her, i have lost, for she will guide us on a journey which is endless and vast, and this journey will not end until we are home. Only our path is determined by fate, our choice on how we get there, and we will get there, all of us do, we all arrive at some point, we are all born and all of us will meet her again, on our deathbed. So keep searching for love, be aware of truth at every moment, the journey will not end until you've made your peace with her, and don't cling to her, for she too is free, when you find her, simply let her go and she will too. Only then will you be freewheelin'.
She is with you now, and she knows that you don't care. Not that you don't care 'about' her, only that your cares are without her, in mind and in action, but you're not to know, that she is with you, you're not to care for her, when you are sleeping, and you are always sleeping, until you are awaken. And it is only she who can awaken you from your slumber, as it is her who put you to sleep. And when you awake, you feel a warm glow around you, as she kisses your forehead and breathes life into every thought, for now you can begin your journey and search for the one whom, is life... is truth. Finally, we are getting there, we've traveled sun and moon and for many a day, and we are tired, looking for a place to rest, a place to call home. And when we do, just remember that she never sleeps, for she is forever watching over the one's she loves, with compassion, and she knows you are looking for her, she just wants you to awake to another dawn, for she too was once... freewheelin'.


4. Intifada and the Palestinian Uprising.

I am about to travel into what is one of the world's most troubled places, the occupied territories of Israel and Palestine. I take this journey with due care and attention, i do not want to provoke any bad feelings between my two hosts, the Palestinians on one side and the Israelis on the other. Muslims and Jews have a bad track record, with many wars and much fighting over land and territory. Ever since the 'creation' of an Israeli State, the Arab states have fought to reject the Jewish claim to this, the most holy of places. Does it belong to the Jews, or is it sacred to the Muslim faith? The debate goes on. Many have lost their lives, as many more will, both Jew and Muslim, but is there an end to occupation and suffering, can these two peoples live in peace? I endeavor to find an answer. And this is not a history lesson, i believe the loveloss which history records will be our downfall when coming to a solution, we must forgive and be forgiven, only then can peace be achieved. What i mean by this is an end to occupation and a nullification of borders; there is no 'two state' solution, I call for total integration of Israel and Palestinian people, one state and one people. How can this be achieved? We need to return to the question of faith.
Now i'm not going to bore you with the details of why Jews and Muslims reject each others claims, no, i'm going to introduce you to a faith which will allow both Jews and Muslims to accept each other and allow them to forgive each other, no matter what they are lead to believe about the others deeds. It's a new idea, no less a new belief, it's called 'survival'. I say loud and proud that 'your not gonna survive unless you forgive your neighbour, right here, right now!' This western notion of a two state solution was not written in your holy book, nor was the idea that peace talks and a 'road map' was the way to your redemption. No! The only truth your faith has to offer you is tolerance and compassion, you need to 'love' thy neighbour and accept him in your home, before you accept those words you were brought up to hold so dearly. This is your faith, mankind and the road to heaven, here on earth, in Jerusalem, the Middle East and the Holy Lands! We are 'Mankind' and we are all subjects of 'God', and i do believe that there is only one God, and that you are both, Jew and Muslim, subject to His glory. Satan lies within us all, and it is only our hate and fear which allows the 'fallen one' to deceive us into a state of war. Can you accept my words, if not my argument? You are not the chosen ones alone, but in unison with your 'brothers', and it matters little if it's a mosque or a synagogue in which you choose to worship Him, we will all be here when He returns. Just ask yourself, ' what do you want to be doing when He returns?' Killing you brother in His name, or making your peace and forgiving, so that He too will forgive you, for all your sins. A man of faith has no enemies, just another brother to accept, and in His name.


PART TWO:


5. Jackel and Hyde.

It’s time to go on a journey, a long trip overseas to a place where time has no meaning and much less, influence. It’s a place I go to whenever I have the opportunity, a place I go to when I have time. You can’t find it on a map, no, this place requires your imagination, and you’ll never get there unless you’re willing to ‘fly’. You’re close when you awake from a dream, even closer when you remember something which skipped your mind, but you’ll never get there unless you can focus your attention on the sky, for that’s where we are about to go. Take me to an altitude of 37,000 feet and we’re getting close. Above cloud cover and within the domain of the sun’s glory; I’ve seen it few times, but I’ve imagined it many. Take me to this place where time has no meaning, a place I can see my home. And take me there now for I miss myself, and I miss all those whom I wish could be with me, in this place, at this time, and send them a postcard so that they can also say, ‘yes, I know a place where we can go.’ And why is it that I wish to take you to this place? Because this is the place where I was born, and because I wish to share with you my feelings of this space, a place I call home.
And so the story goes, I was created out of thin air, and I fell from the sky, floating on a feather and carried by the wind. I was created out of good and evil, and in the presence of the sun, my purpose, to unite mankind, my goal, to bring an end to suffering, and peace on earth. So who sent me? Nobody sent me, however, many sent for me. Many in pain, many hungry, some lost, others found. And why did they? Because nobody cared for them, and they needed care, and my attention. And what is my name? I have no name, and I’m called by many, so you can call me ‘Jackel’. Born with second sight and the ability to stop time, thought you would never notice, I can travel at the speed of light and change your mind according to my will. With this power I attempt to cure mankind of his curse, that of ignorance, and offer wisdom in return. As everyman’s destiny is his maker, mine is to honour sun and moon for as long as they wish to shed light on this earth.
I have an older brother, he too was created from good and evil, many years before me; his name is ‘Hyde’, His story goes… on a full moon, on the lake of fools, a child was found. He was found by jackals taking water from the lake, they took pity on the child and nursed him. He grew to become a young boy, strong and adept at survival in the wild, having leaned from the jackals how to scavenge for food and how to hide from hunters. As a scavenger, Hyde observed the fishermen and took scraps whenever possible, the fishermen never saw young Hyde, else they would have caught him and exposed him as a thief, for that was what he was. One day a young girl from the village was walking by the lake only to see Hyde swimming, she thought he was one of the fisherman’s children, but on closer inspection she saw his long hair and knew that no fisherman’s boy would have hair as long as his; she was confused but took pity and thought maybe some nomad’s had come to the lake and that this was one of theirs. She watched him as he swam like a fish in the sea, she laughed out loud at the sight of a nomad’s son swimming with such skills, the boy made her feel at ease and she walked closer.
‘Hey! Nomad boy!’ she hollered, laughing as she did. Hyde looked up and saw the young girl. He said nothing. ‘Hey you!’ she called again,’ what are you doing? You swim like a fish, yet you have hair like an ox!’ she continued to laugh. Hyde felt drawn to her, his attention was on the forest, forever looking for danger, maybe this was a trap. He remained in the water, submerged as to hide his presence. ‘Come here and I will give you something to eat, are you hungry?’ Hyde looked around and saw no danger, so we waded closer to the girl. ‘I have bread and water, come and we can share. It’s okay. Come.’ And so Hyde did. They ate by the lake of fools and as she talked, Hyde listened. He had never heard people speak, only from a distance, so he was intrigued but her playful chit-chat and continued to feed himself as he made friends with her. Hyde could only use hand gestures, but the girl didn’t mind, she continued to talk and soon Hyde felt at ease and he began to show off, making noises which he learnt off the jackals. This made her laugh even louder, ‘You sound like a wild dog! Don’t you know how to speak?’ Hyde continued, shaking his head and howling. ‘So you’re mute, I thought as much. It doesn’t matter. I understand!’ She continued to laugh and Hyde imitated her. ‘I have to go now, take this bread for your family. I will come here again.’ She smiled at Hyde and stroked his long locks. ‘Take care nomad boy, maybe I’ll see you again.’ She left Hyde with some bread which he ate as she walked away.


6. The Blood of a Jackel.

I see the world from a place where no man has been. With my eyes i can see suffering and pain, hunger and confusion. With these eyes i can look into your mind and watch your thoughts as they arise, and for a second i can know the truth. What have you done that makes you weep? What thoughts make you cry out for compassion and understanding. I know all these things and more. Why did you suffer so much when all you had to do was call? Cry for help because help is what you need. But nobody listened, and nobody cared for your sorrow, your loss, and only a fool would be interested in the thoughts of a madman. But i heard you at night, lying on your bed, tears instead of rest, and only a fool would take your place in your hour of need, as only a fool would weep, alongside you. And for three years i heard you cry out, in silence, and in pain, and it was that, the most defening sound to my ears, when you call out in pain, and all you want to do is die. Such suffering is why i am hear, i hear your plea, and i will take your place so that you can rest, and you shall recover and i will use my power to heal your thoughts so that you can live, and peace be with you, for your soul is pure, and your mind, free.
So you lost, the gamble didn't pay off and you were left without a heart, for you gave it away in exchange for eternity, that which no man can own, but everyman must pursue. The eternal life, that with no end, whether happy or sad, we would all give our hearts for a glimpse, but life is not eternal and noone can live forever, and i must find you a heart so that you can rest, without which, only tears and the Blood of a Jackel.
So i pick them up, one after another, lying by the side of a road, lost and in tears. They have no home for they have no heart, given away, gambled, tossed like a pair of old shoes, walking barefoot, destitute and searching for redemption. On the road to oblivion, without water, punished by the sun for their failure, no shelter, no shade. I give them hope, as they bleed their way through life, i give them a chance, forgiveness, and a path with a heart. You will meet me at the crossroads and you will recognise me because i am your reflection, and the heart you once had. And when you see me you will smile and say hello, and i will greet you with a cool breeze, that which you have been waiting so long for, and you will know that this is I, Jackel, the one you sent for.


7. Hyde and seek.

He walks this earth still, and i must find him soon, for he too seeks the weak and tired, praying on the lost and lonely. He seeks his pray like a jackal, that which taught him the ways of survival, and he feeds on the scraps of mankind, those on the edge, those about to die, those hungry and lost; he takes their souls away with a glance, leaving them crazed and derranged, his army of madmen set free upon this world to pollute and infect the living. And i must find him soon, for as he takes away each soul, he too becomes derranged and confused, his delusion, to kill mankind of hope and compassion, to create war and loathing, where once was peace and understanding. He cannot be destroyed, nor can he be healed, for it is I that must find him, and bring him home, home to rest.
And i search through time and space to find his footprints imbedded on mankind, a trail of crazed and psychotic images of murder and hate, an army of evil, poisoned and ready to take life, to end the suffering within, to cancel out the balance, to end their loss, to nulify the pain. I hear their cries but i cannot save them, for their souls are poisoned and their minds are deluded, they must scavenge this earth looking for eternity, feeling only pain. If i gave them a heart they would consume it as they consume everything which graces their path, forever hungry and full of fear. Neither innocent, nor are they guilty, they are the lost souls of Hyde, without choice, their fate was cruely taken away because they chose to look into His eyes, and forever, they must wander this earth, blind and without a place to rest.
I seek my brother but i find only shadows. My search takes me though the minds of the ones he has seen, lost and without hope, tired and looking for escape, escape from the bondage which now ties them to Hyde's fate. He cannot escape and he must continue, continue to recruit and plan, for it is his fate that he must command an army of confusion, bound to mislead the faithful, and i say faithfull because that is what i give, faith in life and the will to survive. He knows not of my mission, for his delusion makes him blind, living that one day, in the hope that he too will be free, free of his fate, that of destruction, and the destruction of self, that which he will never be free from, for he is eternity, forever destroying but never destroyed. And he cannot take life, and neither can his life be taken, he converts faith into faithless, and hope into hopeless. And i must find him, and find him soon, for that too is my mission, to free my brother from endless night, so that he too can find peace, by the lake of fools.


8. The Two Tribes.

Come my brother! Take refuge with me, for i seek you and have found you. Why? says I, for i am bound by blood to continue upon my path. I beg you brother, take refuge and your tale will be complete, the rest you seek is within my power and i offer forgiveness for your sin. No, you are a charlatan, no man can offer me peace, I am Hyde and will bow down to no man! I am strong and my army is twofold. But brother, i know your heart, and it is troubled, let me ease your suffering, and bring an end to this night. You decieve yourself, promise me the end when i know i am eternal. For two thousand years i have walked this earth, i know my fate and it is so, my army is ready and we will fight for that day! No, brother, your army is weak and you are deluded, no man will fight your cause, and no end will come, you seek refuge and i offer you that, i beg you to lay down you soul, for you are Hyde, born of the lake of fools and blessed by the jackal, take your peace with me! I am your brother. Foolish talk! I am eternal, everyman will seek me but no man will find me, for i am blessed by sun and moon, and i take refuge in no man! Brother, i am not here to mislead or trick you, i am your flesh as you are my blood. I have no brother, and i seek nothing. I am Hyde and i will fight untill i die! Draw your sword and challenge me here, by the lake, if you are my blood i will spare your life for we are eternal, and no man can end this, my suffering. I will not fight, your word will draw blood but you sword will not, hear my words and consider your fate. I am your destiny, i have been sent by your armies to end this war, they are the reason i seek the general, and i find that he is my flesh, i beg you, lay down your arms. My armies call for no man, you are a liar, my armies are strong and victory is ours. The day has come and you will bare witness to my claim, for i call upon my men to take arms and defeat the ones who take their place on this earth, for they have no leader and no victory. You are wrong Brother, your armies are lost and tired, they too seek refuge, their minds are deluded and their souls poisoned, poisoned by your fate, that of eternity. But i am eternal and free, for i too was created out of good and evil, many years after you, and i know you seek the lake to cleanse your soul, so to free your mind and the suffering within. Be free brother and join in my glory, the glory of the sun, leave the lake and take your place alongside me, and we will return to this earth will a comman goal, that to rid mankind of ignorance and delusion. What is your name? You speak of me as no man has spoken and know me like no man can, for i am their fate, that which they seek, but shall never know. Brother, i have no name, but i am known as Jackel, my friend, i am your reflection, and when you know me you will smile and say my name, and we will enjoy a cool breeze, the sun will punish us no more and it's light will guide us so that we can walk together, side by side, we will not hide nor will we be hunted, for we are His Glory, and the Angels of The Lord.



PART 3:


9. Meditation, Terror and the Road Map.


I am about to talk about a period of my life which is difficult for me, difficult, not because it's personal, but difficult because it's sensitive, and because i find it hard to recall my feelings, if i had feelings at all. When you turn the page on a chapter of your life, you care little for what came before, distant memories, no less, distant voices, and its only the fact that you are no longer there, that you realise why you are here. The subject matter is as alive and relevant today as is was then, the issues are still debated, and solutions yet to be found, however, it is no longer i that seeks the solutions, for i have found the answers within. And my conclusion... As is Life.
I never found the answers to my questions, much less the reason for asking, only compassion and the understand of self, and my place in this world. You may seek, but never shall you find. But that won't stop us from looking, and we all look, many see, but few will know, as is life. Puzzles and conundrums, questions and answers, hide and seek. We can all look, but why does no one see? Is it because of our ignorance, or the fact that we are wise? Many know, but few can speak. And we all keep looking.... as is life. I know of suffering, but i have no cure, i feel pain, but it does not disable me, I have needs, but nothing I want. Life as it is, and this i know, because i have felt it, and i have lived it, and now I teach it, to any who shall hear. And what is it that i know? Simple, that we are all deluded, tricked by our senses, in a world which has no sense, yes, nothing makes sense, we are the senseless, and only when we try to 'make' sense of it all, are we deluded into the world of nonsense, that which we cannot escape. Only when we look beyond that which is nonsensicle, can we see sense, that which effects us and us alone. Why look beyond our own body, our own minds, our soul? We are complete, from tip to toe, and there is nothing out there which i need, survival is self-maintenance, you are your own vehical, your own computer, your own shelter, yes, you require fuel, but only if you are about to travel, calculate nothing, only how to stop the questions from being asked, and live inside your body, the one provided at birth, without modification. And seek nothing from the world of delusions, for you will be mislead, and mislead others into your own delusions and fantasies. If we could say that we all shared in the same delusion, as is life, then only God would exist, and our lives would be His delusion... As is Life.

I return to 911, the defining moment of the new millenium. No man can live in the 21st century and not be effected by 911. It is a stark reminder of where we come from, and where we are going. War upon war, fear upon fear, security and protection... This morning i awoke to the news i have been waiting for, yes, now i know my journey has come to an end. I can see that this day is the end, and that a new beginning can unfold, for me, for you, for mankind. Whether we knew or whether we were fooled, none of us can escape the effect which this moment had, we feel excited, disgusted, we ask questions and speculate, we know, yet we disbelieve. Now that the angel has spoken, all will listen and He will return. I welcome Him with open arms, for He is the reason i have faith. There have been messiahs and prophets, now, finally, there is the Angel, and mercy be upon us, and forgiveness, in His name.
... and he threw a stone into the lake, and the ripples swam outwards to the banks of the lake. The fish came to the surface and the swans flew off, the Angel sat and observed. A lone fisherman, calls out to the angel, "Friend! Come and sit with me, do not disturb the fish!" The angel looked up and smiled. "My friend! When you catch a fish, do you take it for your supper, or throw it back, so that you may catch it another time?" The man looked confused. "I eat it of course! Why would i throw my livelyhood back into the water?" "If you catch every fish in the lake, then one day there will be no more fish left, and your livelyhood, no more." The man stopped to think, " But there are other lakes, if one lake has no fish, another surely will!" "And when you have caught every fish in every lake, then what?" The man looked confused and said nothing. "Take what you need with my blessing, and i will find you a lake where you will never be without." The man drew his rod and collected his catch. He walked to the angel and sat down. "My friend, what is your name, and where is this lake you talk of?" "I am Faith, and the lake is that of Heaven."
I want to make sense of 911, put it into a pigeon hole, classify and analyse it for what it was, an act of terrorism. But that diminishes the truth of what this act actually represents, that of truth against delusion. The fisherman was deluded into thinking that catching fish could provide a livelyhood for him and survival for his family, in truth only faith can provide these. Why is it that i say that? Without faith the fisherman would not be able go about his daily routine of fishing, because it is his belief that there are fish in the lake, and that he will catch one, if any. And when i say faith, i don't just mean blind belief, i mean truth, without delusion. He needs to know if there are any fish in the lake, he can do this by throwing bait into the water, if this brings the fish to the surface, he can conclude that he may catch fish in the lake. If no fish rise, then he may think about finding another lake. The terrorist believes that an act of destruction will attract followers, each bomb and every suicide attack will make headline news and bring their cause to surface in the media. People will want to know why, how and who, and this will create a delusion in their minds, a delusion that says there are people killing people, in the name of faith. In truth people kill people to survive, and that is the cruel fact of the matter, that this is not holy war, no, this is survival. The hijackers were prepared to give up their lives in order to take life, Bin Laden orchestrates the the delusion that we call Alqaeda in order for his faith to survive. As written in the Koran, jihad means struggle, his delusion leads us to belive that America is killing his faith, whereas i belive that its is the faithful that are deluded by their own faith, jihad is struggle, not against the infidel, as we are lead to believe, but struggle with your faith, as is truth. America will never defeat Islam, nor is that it's intention, only the followers of Mohammed can defeat truth, with that of delusion. And why the Angel? Because i know, As is Life.

I return to Palestine after a long absence, only to find the end of an era. From the bowels of the Second World War, we created a Jewish homeland, Israel, a homeland for the people of the Good Book. Dispersed from this land to the far corners of the globe, the Jews have kept their faith through thick and thin, never waivering from truth, that this land is theirs, by holy decree. They have fought long and hard for their right to call this their homeland, and never again will they be without. Many things can be said of the Jew, that which i shall not say, but of his faith, i will comend, for his truth, his faith, is strong. And he stands alone in this world, at the head of the table, and at the mercy of his Lord. History has persecuted this race, they have suffered, and they have lost, but Israel is hope, and this they will not concede.
So i return, and i find the same scenario of jews killing arabs, and arabs killing jews. The bloodshed has no end. The victims are often women and children, and this is war, innocence is lost. I see suffering and pain, eveywhere is the same, bloodshed and carnage. Whether it be from the Israeli Defence Forces or Palestinian Freedom Fighters, the story is the same, and there are casulties on both sides. And who is to blame? We all are. And who can bring a cessation to this war? Only faith. And what of the roadmap? It leads nowhere, only fuels the confusion and greed, of which both sides are guilty. I see palestinian children alongside their brothers, both are ready to give their lives for Palestine. I see a proud mother parading pictures of the latest martyr, boasting that he took five jewish lives with him, she believes he went to heaven. Fathers crying, as they bury their daughters, hoping their sons don't end up with the same fate. It's all we know, and yet we not moved, not enough to give in, no, we shall never give up. We believe we are innocent, we believe we are right, we believe our faith wills us to this end, but i tell you now, my brothers, it is not your faith, it is your ignorance, your delusion, and no, you cannot escape.
So let the Angel come, unto this land, let him see into the eyes of everyman, and claim this land for himself. He has walked this earth before and now, finally, he must rest. And this, the holiest of lands, is his home. He has returned to unite the faithful, both muslim and jew, to bring an end to war, and the cessation of suffering. And in time and space, this will be done, forever, and for now. Let peace be upon these people, and let love, shine a path with a heart.


10. Say a Little Prayer.


Peace be with you, my friend, and let love shine. I have travelled long to be with you, and now i have no enemies, only another guide, to take me to my place of rest. I have fought the delusions of my mind to find freedom, and i have looked into the soul of everyman to understand this, that you are my brother, and that i am your blood. For two thousand years we have fought each other, our faiths challenge us to accept, however, we have poisoned our souls with foolish fantasies, that i can be, without you, and that you can see, without me. Now the Angel has opened my eyes to truth, and my faith flows in my veins, and my blood is pure, once again, with my brother by my side. I call out to the one who mocks my words, why do you decieve us? i am here to unite, but you just plot, you plan to bring me down, and with me, my words. Hope is in my heart, and for you i will travel to the end, only to find you weak and without a friend, have mercy! you cry, for you were misled, by your heart and by your soul, and because you followed the false prophet, the fallen one, and hate is your path, that which leads nowhere, and to no man. Seek refuge my brother, you too have travelled long, your wisdom is your curse, and i am here to free you from your burden, a man of knowledge seeks peace and understanding, your knowledge of warfare and battle will be of no use here, for the Angel of the Lord has returned, and He calls you to his side.
Be in peace, my friend, let your journey come to an end, and let the angels shine a light on your path, and never fear, for love will take you home.




The End.